


Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor: Season Nine

by SupernaturalPrincess9



Series: Scenes From the Cutting Room Floor [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 18:34:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 37,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5302403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalPrincess9/pseuds/SupernaturalPrincess9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Wincestization of every episode of Supernatural - Season Nine</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here

Dean was so thankful when Sam finally woke up, he wanted to cry from the joy of it. For almost an entire day, Dean had thought he’d never get the chance to talk to Sam again. He’d looked down on his too-still brother, full of desperation and a look of sheer devastation on his face.

He’d been so relieved when an angel had come to help them. But when Ezekiel had shown Dean what Sam was going to do, his despair had returned threefold. When Dean realized that Sam was going to let Death reap him, he had been desperate… past desperate… and willing to do anything to keep Sam with him.

Although he had known it was wrong, he had been willing to trick Sam into allowing Ezekiel to possess him, just to keep Sam with him. Dean hoped that Sam would never have to know. But down deep? Dean knew that Sam would eventually find out – either accidentally or he’d have to tell him – and then all bets were off. He remembered the days he and Sam had spent apart after Sam had found out he’d killed Amy. This – tricking Sam into allowing a celestial being to possess him – was worse than killing Amy. So much worse.

He might have done the unforgiveable this time.

Dean shot a quick look over at Sam. His brother looked rough, but he was conscious and they had a second chance together. After Dean made his commitment to Sam in the church, he needed this second chance to make things truly right.

 _You tricked your brother into being possessed._ Dean shut his eyes against the unrelenting thoughts of betrayal in his head. At some point, it was likely that his treachery would be revealed. He would deal with that if it happened.

For now, Sam was at his side, where he belonged, and Dean would deal with whatever repercussions resulted from the angel possession down the line. He counted on the love that they shared to get them through this and anything else that came their way.

“I meant what I said at the church. You’re capable of anything, Sammy. The hell if you didn’t prove me right.” Dean smiled at Sam as he looked over at him, just so happy to see him up and conversant. 

“Good… cuz we got work to do.” Sam looked out into the night, thinking about the church. He thought about everything Dean had said. Dean had never been that open with him, and certainly, Sam had never seen him so desperate before.

“Hey, Dean…” Sam said in the quiet of the car. 

Dean looked over at Sam. “Yeah, Sammy?”

Sam swallowed past his nervousness. “Did you mean everything you said at that church?” Sam looked at his brother, his vulnerability showing in his eyes.

Dean reached over and took Sam’s hand in his as he signaled his intent to pull over. “Hold on.”

Dean pulled to the shoulder of the road, turned on the hazard lights and then turned off the car. He still held Sam’s hand in his so he tugged him toward him. Dean was concerned about showing too much affection with Ezekiel inside his brother, but this was an important conversation and he wanted to do it right. 

Sam slid over in the seat, turning slightly, to face Dean.

Dean let go of Sam’s hand and gently cupped his face, using his thumbs to caress Sam’s cheeks. “Sammy… I meant every single word I said in that church. I meant it more than you could possibly know.” Dean steadily held Sam’s gaze, letting Sam see the truth.

Sam’s eyes scanned his brother’s face. He found nothing but openness and love there, easing his fears. Finally he nodded and drew back from Dean’s hands. 

“Ok.” Sam’s voice was soft. He smiled at Dean. “That’s all I needed to know.”

Dean shook his head as he reached for Sam’s hand, folding it tightly between his own. “It’s not all you need to know, Sammy.” Dean paused for a moment, weighing his next words. “You need to know that I love you… and I’d do anything to save you – and I do mean _anything_ …” Dean paused to let that sink in before he continued again. “I can’t exist without you next to me. That’s always been true and always will be true, Sammy.” 

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

“Dean…” Sam whispered as he wrapped his arms around his brother, pulling him close. “I finally get it… and believe it… When you said that nothing has or ever would come before me… I realized that we do feel the same way about each other… and it’s not about obligation for you.”

Dean pulled back at looked at Sam, his stomach immediately in knots from the emotion Sam’s words inspired in him. “You thought I loved you out of obligation?”

Sam nodded. “I did… and the longer the trials messed with me… the more I thought that. And maybe it wasn’t so much that I actually thought that – at least not initially – but I feared it, Dean.”

Dean swallowed thickly and fought back his tears. “Sammy… you gotta know… when I say it’s my job to look after you… it’s not out of obligation… it’s out of love… and loving you is just who I am… and always have been.”

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Sam buried his face in Dean’s neck, inhaling the comforting scent of his brother. He planted a soft kiss on Dean’s neck before whispering, “I love you.”

Dean wrapped his arms more tightly around Sam. “Love you, too, baby brother.”

Dean looked out into the night. He was in such emotional turmoil… so happy to have Sam by his side and in his arms… thrilled to be able to hold his brother tight, finally feeling as though they were on the same page again emotionally… and yet… Ezekiel was somewhere inside Sam, potentially watching this scene play out. And knowing he was there – that he’d tricked Sam into letting him in there just so Dean could have this – his brother in his arms – Dean felt like shit. He knew tricking Sam was wrong… but he couldn’t make it right. Not yet… not until Sam was fully healed.

 _Maybe you can never make it right._ Dean shivered at the thought and held Sam more tightly against him, willing it away.

As long as Sam was alive, walking the earth… Dean could deal with the consequences. He’d find a way… even if Sam left him or hated him… he just needed Sam to live.

When Sam leaned back and kissed Dean, Dean pulled him close and returned the kiss, trying so hard to put all of his love into each soft lick and firm press of his lips. When Dean broke the kiss, he pulled Sam’s face toward him and pressed his lips to Sam’s forehead. “Love you, Sammy.”

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

And Dean did love Sam, more than his own life. Hopefully, when the time came, Sam would understand that. Dean closed his eyes against the pain of knowing that this false hope – that Sam would understand and forgive him – was just setting him up for a big fall. But right now, Dean didn’t care.

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Dean kissed Sam softly again, and smiled at him. “You’re everything to me, Sammy. Don’t ever forget that, ok?”

Sam smiled as he slid back to the passenger side of the bench seat. “I know, Dean.” 

Dean started the car again, turned off the hazard lights and pulled back onto the road. When Sam reached for his hand, Dean threaded his fingers through Sam’s and squeezed gently.

“You’re everything to me, too, Dean.” Sam said as he leaned his head back to catch some sleep.

Dean looked at the road ahead of them, both literally and metaphorically, hoping that Sam wouldn’t change his mind about that later.


	2. Devil May Care

Sam had been pensive since they’d dropped Tracy, a new hunter they’d just met, off after their tussle with Abaddon’s forces.

“What Tracy said about me… she wasn’t wrong.” Sam looked up at Dean as he walked to the table. Dean could see how much Tracy’s initial rejection of and anger at him had hurt Sam. Dean understood Tracy’s anger at losing her family – he’d been there – but Sam was a good person, he’d helped so many; had given up so much. He didn’t deserve the blame, especially since he’d been the one to break the first seal so many years previously. 

_It wasn’t Sam’s fault._ Dean had said this to himself many times before. The difference now was that he actually believed it.

Dean set down a drink in front of Sam and took a seat. “Sam, listen to me. You have helped a hell of a lot more people than you’ve hurt. So all of that… that was then, ok?” Dean raised his glass in a toast. “Here’s to now.” 

Sam nodded and clinked his glass against Dean’s. Dean was right – it was time to leave the past in the past and focus on the future. He loved that Dean was being so supportive of him. He’d defended him to Tracy and was taking the time now to reassure him that his past no longer mattered. 

Sam felt better now about his relationship with Dean than he had for years. They’d renewed their bond and Sam was thankful for it.

“So… are you ready for it? Fallen angels, Abaddon, Cas losing his halo, Crowley in our basement?” Dean smiled when Sam had said “our” basement. He liked the sound of that. He thought of the bunker as their home and he wanted to believe that Sam did, too.

“Crap… it’s like we’re living in a freakin’ sit-com.” Dean looked over at Sam, his gaze assessing Sam’s health. “What about you? How’s the engine running?” Sam looked better, but Dean needed to know that he felt better, too.

“Honestly… I feel better than I have in a long time. I realize it’s crazy out there and we have trouble coming for us, but I look around and I see friends, family. I’m happy with my life for the first time since… forever.” Dean looked at Sam intently as he continued. “I just am… I really am. Things are good.” Sam smiled at Dean.

Dean, overwhelmed with guilt for the deal he’d tricked Sam into, leaned back and shook his head with a wry smile. “Never better.” 

Dean looked down into his drink and tossed the remaining liquid back. He felt sick at the thought of Sam being so happy when he was sitting there, across the table from him, lying continually about the angel elephant in the room.

Dean sighed. Given the quiet of the room, Sam couldn’t help but notice. He stood up and walked around the table, moving behind Dean to wrap his arms around him. Sam placed a gentle kiss on Dean’s neck and nuzzled his face against Dean’s cheek. “What’s the matter, Dean?”

Dean brought his hands up and placed them on Sam’s forearms, squeezing gently. “I’m ok, Sammy.”

Sam could see something was bothering Dean so he moved to the chair next to Dean, pulling it close so he could hold Dean against him. 

“Aren’t you happy, too? Doesn’t it feel good to be here, together, without the specter of the trials looming before us?” Sam wanted Dean to be happy, to find joy in their newly cemented relationship and the fact that they were still together and their lives had a purpose.

Dean turned so that he could fully embrace Sam. This conversation was breaking his heart because he knew that Sam would not feel the same way if he knew about Ezekiel and how he came to possess Sam. “Of course it feels good, Sammy… whenever I’m alone with you, and we’re together like this… I’m happiest and at my best. I’ve told you that before.”

Sam leaned back, taking Dean’s face in his hands. “I know you have.” Sam smiled softly. “But something is wrong, and I just need you to talk to me.”

Dean closed his eyes, concentrating on Sam’s touch. He couldn’t tell him the truth… but maybe he could lay some ground work for the future. Dean opened his eyes and spoke. “I was so terrified, Sam… at the end… I thought I was going to lose you forever. You have no idea how deep my desperation was to keep you alive and with me – to have this with you. I would have done anything – and I do mean anything, whether it was right or wrong – to save you.”

Sam leaned forward and kissed Dean gently. “I know… but it’s ok now. I’m ok. We’re here and I’m happy, so please let go of that and be happy, too, ok?” Dean took a deep breath and exhaled audibly as he leaned his forehead against Sam’s and nodded.

Sam pulled Dean close and hugged him. “What do you think about a make out session?” Sam leaned back and smiled at Dean. 

Dean thought about the angel inside of Sam and he had to be sure it was just them. Threesomes had been fun in his youth, but this… it had to be just them. Dean stood and pulled Sam up with him. Dean looked intently into Sam’s eyes. “As long as it’s just you and me, Sam.”

Sam stiffened and his eyes glowed blue for a moment. “Dean… you must trust me to understand when I need to fully retreat.” Ezekiel said. “All of heaven knows about you and Sam. You are soulmates and have had a very special bond for many years.”

Dean looked at Zeke in surprise. Ezekiel nodded, “It’s true. And I know the importance of this relationship to Sam. I know it is why he tried so hard during the trials – because he wanted you to be free of your obligation to him – to have a life. And he said yes to me because of his love for you. So, you can be sure that if the two of you are going to be… intimate… I will retreat so that I have no awareness of what you share together.”

Dean nodded. “Ok… thank you.”

Ezekiel nodded once and Dean saw Sam come back to awareness. “Of course it’s just you and me, Dean. Who else would be joining us?”

Dean leaned up and kissed Sam softly. “It was just my way of saying I only want you, Sammy.”

Sam pulled Dean against him with a smile. “And I only want you, Dean.”

Dean turned and led Sam to their shared bedroom. He pulled Sam down onto the bed with him and initiated the make-out session. They kissed and teased each other for a long time, enjoying the responses they knew how to elicit from one another and losing themselves in each other’s love.

Later, Sam slept in Dean’s arms. He was content and in love with the man who held him. Even in sleep, he had a small smile on his face. Dean lay awake, wishing he could join Sam in a peaceful slumber, but he knew that until Ezekiel was done healing Sam, he would have a hard time finding peace.

He also knew that when Sam found out about what Dean had done, he might never find peace again.


	3. I'm No Angel

“Listen, buddy… you can’t stay.” Dean said. He hated sending Cas back out into the world without any protection or help, but there was no way Dean was going to risk Ezekiel leaving Sam’s body unhealed. Dean had priorities and Sam was number one. That would never change, even when it came to their closest friends.

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Cas looked up at Dean in despair. He didn’t understand why his friend was kicking him out of the bunker, the home Dean shared with Sam. They were his friends. Dean had said he was family. It was then Cas truly realized that “family” for Dean had only ever really meant Sam. Maybe Dean would die to protect Cas or Kevin or Charlie or any number of people… but there were things he’d only do for Sam. 

And in the choice between Sam and any other person on the planet? Only Sam would ever win that match up.

Cas stood and looked at Dean. “I understand, Dean.”

When Sam returned to the main room of the bunker, Cas was gone.

“Where’s Cas?” Sam asked, perplexed. They’d just found out that Cas had had sex and he and Dean had shared some humorous moments together as Cas had revealed details around it. But Sam was more interested to talk to Cas about what it felt like for him to be human.

Dean turned to look at Sam. His eyes held a sadness that hadn’t been there a few minutes earlier. “He said he had to go… that being here would bring danger upon us and that he’d be safer and so would we if we parted ways. I gave him a bunch of cash, some extra clothes, food for his travels.” Dean swallowed. “He’ll be ok.”

Sam pulled Dean into a hug. “I know you’d feel better if he were here, Dean… and I am not sure I understand Cas’ reasoning since this place is warded to the hilt… but he knows how to get a hold of us and he’ll call if he needs us, right?”

Dean nodded against Sam’s chest. “Yeah…”

Sam released Dean and kissed him gently. “If you want to talk about it… or figure out a way to get him back… just know I’m here, ok?”

Dean looked deep into Sam’s eyes. “I’m going respect his wishes on this and not go after Cas.” Dean message hadn’t been for Sam. It had been for Ezekiel, so that the angel understood that Dean had chosen Sam’s life over Cas and that he expected Ezekiel to stay put and continue to heal Sam.

Dean saw Sam stiffen and he knew Zeke would be making an appearance so he stood straighter, too. “I hear your message, Dean. You’ve made the right choice. And as long as you keep us away from Cas and the danger he brings, I will continue to heal Sam.”

Ezekiel departed and Dean was now looking into Sam’s eyes. “If you change your mind, Dean… just say the word and you know I’ll be by your side if you want to bring him back.”

Dean looked at Sam and gave him a small smile. “Thanks, Sammy. But this is for the best. I need you to be safe.”

Sam leaned down and kissed Dean’s cheek. “Need you to be safe, too, Dean.” Sam grabbed Dean’s hand and led him back toward their bedroom. He had every intention of having a little make out session with his brother.

This time, Dean trusted that Ezekiel would retreat without needing to confirm. Ezekiel did as he said he would and Sam and Dean made out like a couple of teenagers. Dean let himself get lost in the emotion of it for as long as he could. It was during these times he was able – just for a little while – to forget about how he had betrayed Sam’s trust.

Soon, though, that betrayal would be at the front of his mind once again.


	4. Slumber Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts.

Sam and Dean watched Charlie and Dorothy begin their adventure together on the yellow brick road. When the doors to Oz slowly shut, they looked at one another and then leaned forward, opening the doors to look out into the tunnel. The gateway to Oz was gone.

Dean looked at where Oz had been. “Think she’ll be back?”

Sam considered the question and then nodded his head. “’Course.” Sam paused and then looked at Dean. “There’s no place like home.” 

Sam and Dean turned to look at one another with a smile. Sam’s was sweet and full of love. Dean’s was pleased and a little smug. 

“Think you could change your mind about this place, Sammy?” Dean asked softly.

Sam turned and pulled Dean close to him. “Don’t you know by now that my home isn’t a physical place, Dean? My home is wherever you are.”

Dean felt his eyes well with tears. “Sammy…” Dean whispered into Sam’s neck. “Sammy… I’ve always hoped that was true for you – because it’s always been true for me – my home has always been wherever you are.”

Sam pulled back a little and looked down into Dean’s eyes. “The one constant in my life has always been you, Dean. You’re my home… and I’ll try to really move in here… but just in case my efforts don’t live up to your expectations in terms of décor, just remember that as long as we’re together, I’m already home… no matter where we are.”

Sam leaned down and captured Dean’s lips in a slow, deep kiss. Dean moaned deep in his throat as Sam ran his tongue slowly across his bottom lip.

“I fucking love your lips.” Sam murmured as he continued to kiss Dean. “So soft and full… so full of amazing tricks that turn me on more than you could ever know.” Dean growled a little as Sam gently bit his lower lip. “I could get hard just thinking about what you’ve done to me with your lips.”

Dean gasped as Sam reached down and grabbed his ass, pulling his hips firmly against his own. As they continued to kiss, Dean could feel Sam’s cock growing harder and harder against his own erection.

“Sammy…” Dean gasped as Sam ground his hips into Dean’s. “Fuck… you feel so good… you always feel so fucking good…”

Sam leaned down and nibbled at Dean’s neck – tiny bites and licks on the cord that ran up the side. “Want you inside me, Dean.” Sam whispered, his voice tinged with raw emotion and need.

Dean held onto Sam’s shoulders, steadying himself. “Yeah… Sammy… wanna be there.” Dean gasped as Sam bit down where Dean’s neck met his shoulder. Dean always loved when Sam did that… it was so possessive, so animalistic… it turned Dean on. 

“Bed.” Dean groaned. He was full of want and need.

Sam let Dean go and grabbed his hand. Sam quickly led Dean through the garage and back into the bunker. There was no talking – just urgent walking that turned to jogging when they weren’t making progress as quickly as Sam wanted.

When they got to the room they shared, Sam quickly stripped off his clothes, motioning to Dean to do the same. Dean followed Sam’s silent order and tossed each piece of clothing onto the small pile Sam had started.

When they were naked, they fell into bed together, kissing passionately, grabbing at one another, running their hands over every part they could touch. They ground their hips together, loving the sensation of their hard cocks rubbing together.

Sam reached down and grabbed both cocks in his hand and he began to stroke them slowly as they continued to kiss. Dean was groaning and moaning and Sam was panting with desire. Dean threw his hand back and began flailing it around, searching blindly for their lube. When his fingers closed around the bottle he grunted in triumph as Sam continued to stroke their cocks.

Dean flicked open the lube and moved the bottle over the hand Sam was using to stroke their cocks together. Dean squirted enough lube over Sam’s hand and their cocks to take the dry rubbing to slick sliding. Both men moaned as Sam tightened his grip.

“Sammy…” Dean gasped. “Be inside me… wanna have you inside me…” Whenever they were intimate like this… Dean always had Sam top because… with Ezekiel in there, Dean wanted to make sure that Sam still had control over what happened to his body. Somehow penetrating Sam when Dean had already tricked him into letting in an angel seemed exponentially wrong.

“Wanted you inside me, Dean…” Sam whispered. “It’s been so long…”

“I know, Sammy… but… you said I’m your home… and I want to be your home… you know?” Dean was whispering frantically, trying to sell his position on this. “Be inside me, Sam… it meant so much to me when you said that… I just want to be your home… do you understand?” 

Sam looked at Dean and saw the need there… and, as much as he wanted Dean inside him, he could see that Dean needed him to be the one who slid inside him now. “Ok… ok…” Sam rasped out as he let go of their cocks. “Gonna prep you, k?”

Dean nodded and rolled onto his back, spreading his legs. Sam positioned himself between Dean’s legs and looked up at his brother. “You know I love this, right? Being with you like this…” Sam smiled at Dean as he bent forward and ran his tongue straight up Dean’s cock, stopping only to swirl his tongue through the precome gathered at the tip.

Dean groaned. Sam was so fucking sexy. And then Sam moaned, closing his eyes – clearly savoring the taste of his brother. “God… Sammy…” Dean gasped out as he reached down to run his thumb over Sam’s cheekbone in a gentle caress. “I fucking love you so much.”

“Love you, Dean.” Sam said softly with a smile as he eased a finger inside Dean. Dean rolled his head back and enjoyed the sensation of Sam licking his cock as he slowly fucked Dean open with his fingers. When Sam had three fingers buried deep inside his brother, he looked up at Dean. “So goddamned hot and wet and so soft inside, Dean… just for me.”

Dean nodded and bit his bottom lip. “Just for you, Sammy.”

Sam rose and slowly stroked his cock with lube, letting Dean watch the way he’d stroke the length and then tease the tip with his thumb. Every time Sam did that, Dean’s cock would jerk and a little glob of precome would ooze out of the tip.

Sam smiled knowingly at Dean. “Turns you on when I do this, right?” Sam saw the acknowledgement in Dean’s eyes. “Makes you want my cock deep inside you, right Dean?”

“Yeah… fuck yeah, Sammy… please…” Dean moaned, spreading his legs wider. “Come home, Sammy… I’m right here, waiting for you…”

Sam felt tears gather in his eyes. Dean needed him and he needed Dean. Dean was his home. Sam moved up, positioning himself at the entrance and began to slide his cock into Dean, in one long stroke. As he buried himself all the way inside his brother, Sam captured Dean’s lips in a scorching kiss, full of love and desire and need. 

“You’re my home, Dean.” Sam moaned into Dean’s mouth.

“I’m your home and you’re mine, Sammy…” Dean gasped out as he panted in time with Sam’s thrusts. “Feels so good, Sammy…” Dean had his arms and legs wrapped around his brother. “So in love with you, Sammy…” Dean knew they were going to lose it soon… not just their building orgasms but the tears he knew they were both holding back.

When Dean felt Sam’s first tear hit his cheek, he let go of his own and his orgasm, letting his tears and his orgasm go at the same time. 

Sam felt Dean’s cock pulsing against his stomach and then the aftershocks rippling through him, causing Dean to tighten around Sam’s cock in a rhythmic beat. Sam threw his head back and cried out as he let himself go, shooting his come deep inside Dean.

Sam fell forward onto Dean and Dean held him tightly as they recovered together. This hadn’t been about getting off or even just making love. This had been about so much more than that… it had been Dean welcoming Sam home and Sam letting Dean know that he was the only home Sam had ever known – the only home Sam ever needed.

It had been about the commitment they’d made to one another in the church the night the angels fell. It had been a promise to one another that they were both determined to keep.

Dean held Sam as he drifted off to sleep, content in his brother’s arms. Dean lay awake, thinking about the big lie hanging over his head. He and Sam had just shared something profound… something more meaningful than they’d ever shared before… and the only reason they could do it was because Dean had tricked Sam into being possessed so that he could be healed.

Dean felt tears gather in his eyes again. This time, it wasn’t because of the profound love and acceptance and soul-deep bonding he’d experienced with Sam. It was because Dean knew that the longer he waited to tell Sam about Ezekiel hitching a ride, the more likely it was that Sam would never forgive him. And when you add the intimacy they were sharing to the mix… it was like a house of cards with one of the base cards being old, ratty and weak… ready to fail at any moment. 

And when that card finally fell… all hell would break loose… and Dean was going to have to pay the piper.

Dean shut his eyes and concentrated on the now. For right now, his baby brother was safe in his arms, healing from the trials and they’d just shared something so beautiful it had made them cry with the intimacy and joy of it. Dean pressed his lips to Sam’s temple, silently apologizing to Sam for taking away his agency when it came to his own body and for continuing to lie to him about it.

Someday, Dean knew, he’d need to apologize out loud. He just hoped he’d be able to find the right words that would make Sam understand.


	5. Dog Dean Afternoon

“You ok?” Dean asked as he and Sam stood outside, leaning against the Impala.

Sam looked around, still worried about what Chef Leo had said. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just that I can’t stop thinking about what he said.”

_What are you?_

Dean put on his skeptical face. “C’mon, Sammy. That guy was out of his freakin’ gourd.” Dean’s stomach clenched in a knot. It was one thing to deceive Sam through omission… but Dean was moving right into out and out lying. Dean clenched his fist against his thigh. This wasn’t right. 

Dean hated keeping this secret from Sam. But Sam wasn’t done healing. Ezekiel had to stay inside Sam until he was fully healed because Dean couldn’t let Sam go. He knew it was selfish, but this was the love of his life; his soul-mate. He’d never be able to go on without Sam. 

Dean was certain that if Sam knew about Zeke… he could very well eject him… and then Dean would lose his brother forever. So Dean felt he had no choice but to continue with the ruse. He hadn’t anticipated that a monster would be able to sense the possession. It was his worst nightmare coming to fruition right there in Enid, Oklahoma.

Sam looked down at the roof of the Impala. He just _knew_ something wasn’t right… but he couldn’t figure out what could be wrong. No matter how hard he tried. “Yeah… but… why… why would he ask that? Why would he want to know what I was?”

_What are you?_

Dean swallowed past the nausea that bubbled in his gut. “Who the hell knows… he was all jacked up on juice.” No, Dean thought, he had something very much in common with Sam. “He was… possessed by something he couldn’t control… it was…” Dean paused to get his emotions under control. “… a matter of time before it completely took over.” Dean looked up at Sam, trying to control his fear. What if Ezekiel never left? What if he fully possessed Sam… forever? 

Dean put on a brave face. “You can’t reason with crazy, right?” Dean felt like he was going to be sick. He hated lying to Sam… and he hated that Sam was starting to suspect that something wasn’t quite right with him. Sam must feel a great sense of unease with that doubt way down deep.

Dean knew he had to choose now: continue lying and get Sam fully healed or tell him the truth and risk having him eject Ezekiel.

It was an impossible choice.

Sam looked at Dean. He trusted his brother implicitly… and what he was saying made complete sense. But… Sam still had doubts. Like what happened to his wound? He was covered in blood without a nick on him. Sam furrowed his brow and said, “I don’t know…”

It was time for Dean to choose.

Dean fixed Sam with a confident gaze. “Well I do. Trust me, Sammy… you got nothin’ to worry about.”

Sam looked at Dean, worry written all over his face, and nodded as he slid into the passenger seat of the Impala.

Dean closed his eyes and let out a long breath. It was done. He was no longer keeping a secret. He was no longer lying by omission. Now, he was just lying.

Dean slid behind the wheel of the Impala and started the car. He pulled out onto the main road and headed north, toward their home. He risked a glance at Sam. His brother still looked troubled.

Dean reached his hand out, holding it palm up. “Sammy…”

Sam looked over and saw Dean’s outstretched hand. He slid his left hand into the safety of his brother’s grip. “Thanks, Dean.”

Dean tugged Sam’s hand and Sam slid across the seat, laying his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean squeezed Sam’s hand firmly. “Sammy… everything is going to be ok. I’m right here with you. I will never leave you… As long as we’re together, nothing bad is gonna happen to you.” Dean pressed a firm kiss to Sam’s temple. “I won’t let it.”

Sam brought Dean’s hand to his face and rubbed his cheek on the back of Dean’s hand. “Dean… I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you. I can always count on you… and I can always trust you to make things right. If something happened to you… I wouldn’t have the will to go on.”

Dean’s heart shattered when Sam said he could always trust him. Dean wanted to cry from the pure devastation he felt inside.

Sam couldn’t trust him. Not with his life… and not in general anymore, either. Left up to Dean, he’d go to any length to keep Sam with him… even if it meant lying to his brother. That wasn’t an act of love. That was an act of treason in their relationship.

Dean hated himself for what he’d done. And he hated himself for being so weak… for not being able to give Sam the choice he deserved… because Dean was terrified that Sam would choose death over a brother who would trick him into being possessed. Over a brother who would look him in the eye and lie. And the fact that they were soulmates… lovers… that just made this whole scenario one hundred times worse.

Dean realized he should say something to Sam. He let out a sigh and said, “I wouldn’t have the will to go one without you either, Sammy. That’s the absolute truth.”

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Sam leaned his head to the left and laid it on Dean’s shoulder. He still wondered if the trials had done something strange to him, fundamentally altering his physiology. Something that neither he nor Dean knew about. Sam pondered that for a while before deciding that for right now, it didn’t matter. His brother’s hand was in his and they were together.

As long as Sam had that, he knew he could make it through whatever came their way.


	6. Heaven Can't Wait

Dean left Cas to his new life with the consult that he keep safe and stay out of the angel battle that was looming. He drove straight back to the bunker. To Sam.

In between, he had time to think. Lots of time.

Too much time.

Dean though about entering that church and seeing Sam, thin and looking like death warmed over, with his skin blotchy, his hair greasy and lank from his efforts to heal Crowley, his hands trembling. And Sam’s unbearable sadness. It was something Dean would never forget… that abject agony that Sam had experienced of thinking he was less than, unloved, untrusted. Unneeded.

So much pain. Many times, Dean wondered if Sam’s current happiness with his life was nothing more than a front. He’d been ready to die. More than ready… at the church and after… when he really was in a battle for his life. He’d laid down his sword and said “no more”. 

Until Dean tricked him.

Until Dean used Sam’s unending love for him against him.

Until Dean coerced Sam into doing something Dean truly knew in his heart of hearts Sam would never choose on his own.

Dean let his tears fall. He deserved whatever was coming his way. And he knew, eventually, something terrible would happen. This angel possession was going to have a price… and the cost might be so great that Dean could lose everything.

Or, better stated, the only thing that truly mattered to him: Sam.

Dean knew that when he got back to the bunker, Sam would be so happy to see him. They’d hug. And they’d kiss. They’d make love… because they did most days when they were together and were able to slide into the same bed at the end of the day.

And that, of course, made Dean feel even guiltier. A few times since he convinced Sam to stop at that church, Dean had been the one to slide himself deep into Sam. It was hard for him to do it, knowing that somewhere inside Sam there was an angel that Sam didn’t know about. At least not yet. It felt like double possession to Dean and he tried to avoid it, even though he loved being inside his brother that way.

Dean longed to slide his cock into another person who had no passengers on board. Dean considered finding someone – a woman, of course – on his way back to the bunker to just have the freedom of knowing his was pounding his cock into someone who wasn’t possessed. 

He contemplated the possibility for a while until guilt overtook him and he just kept driving home to Sam. After so long with just the two of them, being with someone else felt like such a betrayal. What was he going to do? Trick his brother into being possessed and then go cheat on him, too?

Dean screamed inside the car. He felt like his head was going to explode from the pressure building as he made shitty decision after shitty decision. Possession, omission, abject lying… and now, contemplating cheating.

Dean wouldn’t do it. It had been so long since he’d been with anyone but Sam… and, at the end of the day, Dean didn’t miss women at all as long as Sam was sliding into bed next to him at night. But the lying and knowing the angel was somewhere inside Sam as they made love… it was really starting to fuck with his head.

Dean resolved to think of nothing but driving. No angels. No demons. No possession. And no women.

But the idea had been planted in his brain now, and at some point, Dean knew that he might act on it. Even though it would hurt Sam. It seemed to Dean that no matter what he did, he always ended up hurting the one he loved the most.

Dean wiped the tears from his cheeks. No matter what he did these days, he felt like he was hurting Sam. If not in real time, then certainly, when Sam found out about everything, he’d be plenty hurt as he looked back. He may even doubt what Dean had said in the church to him.

Dean knew he had to find a way to stop that from happening.


	7. Bad Boys

“Here I was, thinking this was the worst part of your life… and it turns out it was the best.” Sam looked at Dean, the sadness in his eyes showing through. “Why’d you ever leave?”

Dean didn’t hesitate. “Never felt right.”

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Sam looked at Dean incredulously. “Really…?”

“It was two months, Sam… k? I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I don’t know what to tell ya. It wasn’t me.”

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Sam tapped his index finger on the roof of the Impala as he looked down. He then nodded and slid into the passenger seat of the car.

Dean took one last look at the house, remembering another time he had to choose between going solo or being with his brother. He’d looked out the window of the bedroom and had seen Sam playing with a fighter jet in the backseat of the car. 

Sammy.

Dean nodded once and slid behind the wheel of the Impala. Sam was looking out at the house still, close to tears as he thought about what his brother could have had.

“Dean… thank you.” Sam said as he looked down at his hands in his lap.

Dean looked over at Sam. “For what?”

Sam looked over at Dean. “For always being there. For having my back.”

Dean stared at Sam, his eyes wide. He realized Sam knew that Dean had given up a different life to stay with him. “Look, I know it hasn’t always been easy…” Sam let the sentence trail off.

Dean swallowed past the lump in his throat and put on a brave face. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Dean smiled a little as he started the car.

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Dean pulled the Impala onto the road and gunned it, leaving Sonny and the life Dean could have had behind him. He had what he wanted. Sammy was next to him and they had something special. They had lives with purpose, they helped people and they shared a love that kept Dean going, through all the ups and downs.

Sam looked out the passenger window, thinking about Dean. What another life might have been like for him. He’d had a chance at something different – something normal – and he’d given it up. Sam knew, without a doubt, that he’d done it for him.

Nothing had ever been the way Sam had thought it was.

“Dean…” Sam said quietly as they cruised down another lonely blacktop road.

“Yeah, Sammy?” Dean shot Sam a look with a smile.

“Let’s stop soon, ok? It’s already dark – it’s been a long day.” Sam paused. “And I just want to be with you… somewhere I can hold you.” Sam was looking out the windshield. He couldn’t look at Dean right now, not without crying for everything he had given up.

Dean looked at Sam with concern. “Sure, Sammy. Next motel, we’ll stop.” Dean drove another 40 miles before finally finding something along their way. He pulled into the parking lot, leaving the car in park and running, while he went in to secure a room.

Minutes later, he hopped back into the car and pulled around the back of the motel to their room on the far end. They grabbed their gear and went into the room, Dean first with Sam following. As soon as Dean put down his bag, Sam threw his to the side and went directly to Dean, pulling him into a tight hug.

“God… Dean… I’m so sorry.” Sam whispered, trying desperately to hold back his tears. “All this time… I had no idea.”

Dean held Sam tight. “What do you mean, Sammy?” 

Sam pulled away from Dean, grabbing his hand in the process and then pulling him to the bed and into his arms. “All these years, Dean… the things I did and said… and the whole time… I never really understood you or your motivations.”

Dean just nodded and looked at Sam. Sam had tears welling in his eyes, and Dean knew he did, too. This was going to be a hard conversation.

Sam reached up and ran his hand through his hair. “Dean… when I ran away as a kid… and had the time of my life for two weeks with that dog… the time you found out about when we were in heaven… for me it was freedom… and I’d always thought that for you it was about duty and obligation and following Dad’s orders to find me and bring me back… but no – it was none of that. It was losing me!” Sam cried quietly for a minute.

“And… when I went off to college and left you behind… I thought you were pissed because I was shirking the family duty and leaving you to do twice the work… but it wasn’t that, was it. No… it was because I was leaving you… even after you gave up a good life at Sonny’s to stay with me.”

Dean reached up and wiped his own tears away. He sniffled and then whispered. “You didn’t know about my life at Sonny’s, Sammy… But yeah… Sammy… that’s all true.” Dean couldn’t believe that Sam finally understood him. Clearing away all the bullshit of their upbringing, putting aside assumptions about Dean blindly following their father… it was all clear now.

“You purposely chose hunting, Dean… and you always chose me.” Sam said softly.

“I’ll always choose you, Sammy.” Dean’s words were sure in the quiet of the room. Dean leaned up on an elbow and kissed Sam softly. “I promise you, I will always choose you – over everything and everyone.”

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Sam suddenly lost control of his emotions. He flipped over onto his side, facing away from Dean, and curled into a fetal position as his sobs overtook him. Dean moved to spoon Sam, wrapping him up tight in his arms. “Sammy… please don’t cry… I can’t stand to see you cry like this… please.”

Sam choked out words as he continued to cry. “But… Dean… god… so selfish… and wrong. I’ve been… so selfish, so many times.” Sam’s shoulders shook as he cried. “You loved me so much… you gave up stuff over and over… just to be with me, to give me something I wanted or to save me… just to love me… and I’ve said and done so many horrible things in return…”

“Shhhhh… no, Sammy.” Dean whispered as he kissed Sam’s neck. “That’s not true.” Dean kissed Sam’s neck again, trying to rock him slightly as Sam continued to cry. “Sammy… you tried to deal me out of Hell… you took Lucifer into the pit to save me… When I got back from purgatory and finally reached you… you dropped everything to come to me… you wanted to close the gates of hell so I could have a life… and when I asked you to stop the trials… when I asked you to choose me – to choose us – you did.”

Dean felt Sam begin to relax into his embrace. “We love each other the same way, Sammy. It’s never been clearer to me. You weren’t being selfish, Sammy… you just didn’t realize how I felt and you didn’t want to burden me. I can still remember the way you held me when I came to that motel room with Bobby after I got out of hell. You had been as desperate for me as I had been for you.”

Sam turned and snuggled up against Dean. He took his brother’s hand in his own and held it tightly. “I love you so much, Dean.” Sam’s lips brushed Dean’s neck as he whispered the words.

Dean pulled Sam as close as he could get him. “Love you, too, baby brother.” Dean pressed a soft kiss to Sam’s temple. “Get some sleep now, Sammy, while I hold you. Everything’s gonna be ok.”

Sam let himself relax in Dean’s arms. It felt so good to be loved and protected by Dean. As Sam drifted off to sleep, his thoughts were happy and he felt secure.

Meanwhile, Dean lay in the bed, holding Sam as he slept. Dean’s eyes were glassy from emotion and exhaustion. There was only one selfish person in the motel room – and Dean knew damn well it wasn’t Sam. This talk should have been the pinnacle of their relationship – the point at which they both completely understood each other, bringing them to a new level of closeness.

But it wasn’t. In fact, Dean had never felt further away from Sam than he did right now. As Dean had looked back at Sonny’s house… he hadn’t been thinking about the life he could have had. Nope. He had been thinking about the life Sam could have had if Dean had just refused to go with John.

Without Dean there to watch Sam, John would have had to either stop hunting or he would have found someone else to care for Sam. Likely Bobby. And then Sam and Bobby could have lived together as father and son… and Sam would have been able to go to Stanford, complete his degree, go to law school and maybe he and Jess would have their 2.5 kids by now. And a house, living their lives, safe from harm.

Instead? Sam spent most of his time in shitty motel rooms, with a brother who could never let go of him… and now, as a testament to the fact that Dean couldn’t let go, Sam was lying in his arms, possessed by an angel he knew nothing about.

Dean closed his eyes. He felt dirty and unworthy of Sam’s love. If he hadn’t been so desperate when Sam was dying… no… he wouldn’t be feeling good now. He’d be alone instead because Sam would be dead.

Dean opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. He realized it was unlikely he’d be alone if Sam had died. He’d be dead, too. Probably by his own hand.

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Dean tried to shut off his thoughts. He had to get some rest… and he needed a reprieve from the worthlessness that came with knowing that he was lying to Sam. At the next opportunity, Dean was going to find a gal and just get lost in her for a bit… he hated the thought of being with someone other than Sam… but he was close to losing it and he needed something uncomplicated… something to give his brain a rest.

Dean knew Sam would forgive him a dalliance. Dean was also quite sure that Sam was never going to forgive him for the angel possession and all the lying that went with it. Every time he thought about that, his heart shattered. So, for now, he was going to turn off his thoughts and just hold Sam tight.

Whatever loomed on the horizon? He’d handle it when it got here.


	8. Rock and a Hard Place

_Dear boy, you’re all duct tape and safety pins inside._

As Sam packed his duffel after saying goodbye to Jody Mills, he thought about what Vesta had said to him.

_How are you alive?_

Missing time, weird shit with monsters wondering what he was and how he was even alive… Sam just knew that something was very, very wrong. With him. Maybe he was living on borrowed time… just one little thing might signal the end. Or… maybe the trials had altered him in a way that only monsters could detect.

_What are you?_

_How are you alive?_

Sam was scared. And hurt. He’d been stunned when Dean had gone off with Suzy. Granted, Carmelita was on Dean’s bucket list and they’d always allowed for the occasional tryst with a woman… but it had been just Dean and Sam – together – since Dean got back from purgatory. And Sam had been just fine with that. Great, even. 

Dean was all he ever wanted.

Sam sighed. He was focusing on Dean’s sexual transgressions because he didn’t want to keep dwelling on what was wrong with him. But Sam knew he couldn’t keep avoiding the truth: something was not right.

“What if there is something wrong with me. I mean, really wrong.” Sam said to Dean as he turned to sit on the bed.

Dean closed his eyes briefly. He knew the conversation he was about to have would be full of lies on his end. He started with a half-truth. “You’re just crapped out, man. You need some rest.”

Sam darted a look at Dean and then looked back at the floor. “No – it’s more than that. I mean, Vesta said I was practically dead inside.”

_Dear boy, you’re all duct tape and safety pins inside._

Dean nearly groaned. The goddamned monsters couldn’t keep their fucking mouths shut. Dean tried for skeptical. “Oh, and she’s in the circle of trust now?”

Sam looked up at Dean. His eyes held a haunted look. Sam was clearly in distress. “Why would she lie?” Dean’s heart stopped at the question. 

She wouldn’t lie. But he would. He had to in order to keep Sam alive.

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Dean turned to look at Sam, his eyes pleading with Sam to listen to his reasoning. “It’s probably the trials, k? Probably some sort of after-effect. It’s not like you’re bouncing back from the flu here… I mean you were glowing with fricken trial juice…”

Sam wanted to believe Dean. But he had doubts. So many doubts. “I don’t know…”

Dean fixed Sam with a penetrating stare. Maybe Sam knew. Maybe Sam could feel Ezekiel inside him. “What else would it be?” Dean waited for Sam’s response… half afraid that he knew and half afraid that he didn’t.

Sam looked up at Dean with a forlorn expression on his face. “Why does it have to be something else? It’s always something else. We’re always scraping to find some other explanation… when maybe it is just… me.” Sam blinked back tears. There was always something wrong with him.

He was too little so Dean had to take care of him, giving up a good life with Sonny in the process.

He had demon blood inside him so he might turn evil and Dean would have to kill him if he did.

He was addicted to demon blood and had gone dark side, breaking his relationship with Dean in the process.

He hadn’t been mentally strong enough to look for Dean when Dean was in purgatory. And Dean still thought that Sam had chosen Amelia over him – and Sam had never been strong enough to correct his perception of what Sam was doing while he was in Purgatory.

Sam hated himself for all of his weaknesses.  
And now? He wasn’t at full strength and there was something so wrong with him that even monsters couldn’t figure him out.

Dean’s heart broke for his little brother. He knew exactly what Sammy’s inner dialogue was doing to him. “Oh c’mon, Sam.”

Sam interrupted Dean, shaking his head. “I’m a mess, Dean. You know it. And sometimes I feel like maybe I’ll never actually be… all right.” Sam looked down at the floor, longing to just feel like himself again.

Dean stepped toward Sam. “You will. All right? Because whatever it is… we’ll figure it out.” Dean tried smiling at Sam.

_We’ll figure it out… just like we always do._

Sam remembered Dean saying the same thing to him at the church. He’d believed it at the time. But maybe they couldn’t just figure this out. Maybe he was fundamentally changed. “… Or this is just the way… I am.” Sam whispered.

Dean put down the shirt he’d been holding and moved toward Sam. He couldn’t let his baby brother carry this terrible burden of self-doubt and fear. He could tell him the truth and beg him to let Ezekiel stay inside of him. The moment in which Dean would do the right thing had come.

“I can’t. I can’t let you put this on yourself. Listen to me. It’s not you, Sam.” Dean stated softly yet resolutely.

Sam’s eyes flared blue as Ezekiel rose to the surface, pulling Sam into an erect sitting position. “I wouldn’t do that, Dean.” At the sound of Ezekiel’s measured cadence, Dean closed his eyes and screamed “fuck” in his head. He wanted – and needed – to tell Sam the truth.

Dean looked into Ezekiel’s emotionless eyes. “He deserves to know.” Dean’s words were stark and abrupt.

Ezekiel held Dean’s gaze. “Your brother is not ready. If he ejects me, he will not make it.” Dean was ready for Ezekiel to go and he would have found a way to get rid of him if Vesta hadn’t just told Sam that she didn’t know how he was alive. At least Zeke was telling the truth when it came to Sam’s physical state. 

But it was taking so long. Dean had never thought it would take this long. “Well, dammit, Zeke… how much longer do we gotta keep playing this?”

Ezekiel still met Dean’s gaze unflinchingly. “Not much longer. I promise you that.” With that, Ezekiel disappeared and Sam reappeared. Dean still found the change to be disconcerting.

“… so what is it?” Sam looked at Dean expectantly. He hoped to hell his brother had an answer.

Dean blinked several times, adjusting to the abrupt change between Ezekiel and Sam. “I just meant that… if something’s wrong, it’s not your fault. We’ll deal with it. You just gotta have a little faith, Sammy.”

Sam stood and nodded at Dean. He then grabbed his duffel and exited the motel room to pack the Impala. Dean stood in front of his duffel, motionless, as he watched Sam leave. When the door closed behind Sam, Dean closed his eyes, fighting back tears.

“Goddamn it.” Dean whispered as he lost his battle with his emotions, hot tears streamed down his cheeks. He was so tired of the lying. He wanted his brother next to him with just his brother resident in his body. He wanted to get past the horrible scene he knew lay ahead when Sam found out what he did. 

He needed to apologize to Sam for going off with Suzy. Bucket List or not… Sammy was the one true love of Dean’s life. 

His soul mate. 

And Sam deserved to be treated better. Dean had slept with two women since he’d been back from purgatory… and Sam hadn’t been with anyone else since he’d chosen Dean over Amelia.

Dean spun around and sat down on the bed. He lowered his head into his hands and let his sobs go. He didn’t know why things always had to be so impossible for them… but just for once… couldn’t they just be together without the apocalypse, Leviathans and trials hanging over their heads?

Dean was crying so hard he didn’t hear Sam reenter the room. Sam had waited next to the Impala for several minutes before realizing that Dean hadn’t been as close to ready as he’d thought. When Sam had opened the door to the motel room, he’d gasped at the sight of Dean, holding his head in his hands and sobbing.

Sam strode over to Dean and dropped to his knees before his brother. Sam reached over and took Dean’s wrists and tugged his arms forward to pull Dean into a hug. Sam scooted forward until he and Dean were pressed tightly together. Dean had buried his face in Sam’s neck and he was crying for all he was worth.

Sam didn’t say anything. He just held Dean and rocked slightly from side to side, trying to comfort his brother. When Dean’s crying quieted, Sam put his lips next to Dean’s ear. “I love you, Dean. I’m here… I’m right here. It’s ok…” Sam had no idea as to why Dean was so upset, but he suspected it had to do with him. “I’ll be ok.”

Dean sniffled as he turned his head a little so he could kiss Sam’s neck. “Love you, Sammy… so fucking much. Please don’t ever forget that, ok?”

Sam ran his hand down the back of Dean’s head, lightly scratching his scalp in a way he knew Dean loved. Sam also knew it was a good way to calm Dean down. “I’ll never forget, Dean. I know you love me.”

Sam continued to hold Dean as his brother regained his composure. Once Dean did, he still didn’t let go of Sam. He needed to feel his brother close to him. After a few minutes, Dean wanted to clear the air a little. “Sammy… I’m so sorry…”

Sam leaned back and looked into Dean’s eyes. “I know.”

Dean blinked his eyes rapidly. “I shouldn’t have slept with her…”

Sam leaned forward and silenced Dean with a kiss. He didn’t want details. Sam pulled back and smiled at Dean. “But you did… and we always said that was ok. No need to discuss it.” Sam would be a lot more hurt if he weren’t so worried about what was happening to him. Right now, Dean sleeping with Suzy just seemed like a blip on the radar, comparatively.

Dean gave Sam a small smile. “I love you, Sammy… more than anything.”

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Sam gently wiped Dean’s eyes and pulled Dean to his feet as he stood. Sam leaned down and kissed Dean softly, letting his lips linger against Dean’s.

“I know.” Sam breathed into Dean’s mouth.

And he did know. And he believed it.

At least for now.


	9. Holy Terror

Dean entered into the main room of the bunker, just in time to witness his brother, possessed by god-knows-who angel, burning Kevin’s eyes out, killing him.

“No!” Dean shouted as he ran toward Kevin and his brother. “Kevin!”

Gadreel motioned his arm to the left and an unseen force flung Dean up against a pillar. “Sammy…” Dean gasped through his tears.

Gadreel looked at Dean, his eyes dead and flat – devoid of emotion. “There is no more Sam. But I played him convincingly I thought.” Gadreel was quite pleased with his ability to mimic Sam’s mannerisms.

Dean shut his eyes. Sam had to still be in there. Somewhere. “How did you…” Dean choked the words out past the sob that threatened to erupt from him. 

Gadreel held up Sam’s hand, showing Dean the smudges on it. “I heard you talking to Kevin Tran tonight. Alter the sigil, even the slightest, alter the spell.” Dean closed his eyes and turned his head away, filled with fear, dismay, disgust at himself… so many emotions roiling inside him.

Gadreel hadn’t wanted to kill Kevin. “Sorry about Kevin, but ultimately it’s for the best. I did what I had to.” Killing Kevin had been a means to an end. Gadreel grabbed Sam’s bag and some other necessities and made his way toward the bunker exit. He knew Dean wouldn’t pursue him so he let the force holding Dean to the pillar dissipate.

Dean fell to the floor with a thud. He didn’t want to look at Kevin, but he made himself do it. Kevin’s eyes were burned out and it was clear he was gone. But Dean just couldn’t deal with that so he called out for him, over and over. “Kevin…?” Dean paused. “Kevin…? Dean paused again. “Kevin…” When there was no response, Dean hung his head and let his sobs overtake him.

Kevin had trusted him. And now he was dead. Crowley had been right all along. Dean was bad luck. Dean worked with people – he hunted with them – and they ended up dead. Not Dean himself, though. He always found a way to stay alive. There was a long line of death trailing behind Dean. And Kevin? Well, he was just the latest casualty.

And Sam. His Sammy. Dean wiped at his eyes as his tears continued to fall. He would trade his life in a second for Sam. In fact, he had once. Sam was the one person on this earth who truly mattered most to Dean. He’d loved Sam since he first saw him, the day his parents brought him home from the hospital. He remembered feeling sure that Sam was a special gift, just for him.

Somewhere along the way, that love had taken on new dimensions and he and Sam had shared a love greater than Dean could ever have imagined. They had lived and died for each other. They’d been everything to one another. Everything one person could be to another… and more.

Sam had trusted him… and now whichever angel was actually possessing him had said he was gone. Sammy was gone.

Dean threw his head back and roared in anguish. He’d fucked everything up. Every. Single. Thing.

And the worst part wasn’t that he was alone. No… Dean had been alone before. Dean could deal with alone. But this? It was intolerable. The worst part was knowing that Kevin had never had a real chance at life – and before he could even really start living, he was already dead. 

Sam had never really had a normal life, either… although he’d tried. But Dean had always found a way to get him back. And now his baby brother might be possessed for all eternity.

Both of those things were on Dean. One-hundred percent directly on his shoulders.

Dean wiped his eyes with his sleeve and then dragged the back of his hand across his face just under his nose. This hadn’t been a pretty cry, but it had helped him focus on his responsibilities. 

Dean took a few hiccuppy breaths. He had to get himself under control now. He had to give Kevin a hunter’s burial. Kevin may not have been an actual hunter, but he was Kevin Freakin-Solo and he had been bad ass. He was going to be honored as a fallen hero.

And Sam. Dean was going to find Sam, and he was going to find a way to get him back. There was no way he was going to lose to a lying angel when it came to his brother.

Dean thought about what lay ahead of him and he knew that he was in for nothing but pain. But he had to face it, head on, no matter how hard it was going to be.

Dean slid his hand into the pocket of his jeans, wrapping his fingers around his phone. He looked through his received calls list until he found the number he wanted. His call was answered on the second ring.

“Dean.”

“Cas.” Dean said flatly. “Please come. I need your help.”

Dean tapped “End Call” without waiting for a response and rose to his feet. He looked down at Kevin’s slowly cooling body and blinked rapidly to hold back his tears. The time for crying had long since passed.

Dean had work to do.


	10. Road Trip

Sam, Dean and Cas stood on the pier next to the river. “All right… let me hear it.” Dean said as Cas turned and walked away to give the brothers some privacy.

Sam looked at Dean, overwhelmed with a sense of betrayal. “What do you want me to say? I’m pissed?”

Dean could see the hurt in Sam’s eyes, so he just nodded.

Sam looked Dean in the eye, although he was having a tough time with that right now. “Ok – I am. I’m pissed. You lied to me.” Sam paused for emphasis. “Again.” 

Sam had erroneously thought they were past the lies after he chose to live for Dean in the church. Sam had thought they were at a new place in their relationship – one where they were equals and partners and honest with one another at all times.

Dean looked into Sam’s eyes… his beautiful, hazelish-bluish-greenish eyes, and said the only truth he knew. “I didn’t have a choice.”

_There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you._

Sam knew exactly what Dean was thinking of, but his anger at not being given a choice was still roiling through him, so Sam spoke his truth. “I was ready to die, Dean.”

_You wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? How many times I let you down._

And now Dean had let Sam down. Big time. He’d completely disregarded what Sam wanted and made the decision to override it, just like he’d always done.

_What happens when you’ve decided that I can’t be trusted again? I mean, who are you going to turn to next time instead of me? Another angel? Another… another vampire?_

And now Sam knew… it was another angel. And a psycho one at that.

Dean could only think about what it would have been like with Sam dead. He just couldn’t have that. “I know.” Dean paused. “But I wouldn’t let you… cuz that’s not in me.” And that was his truth. It wasn’t in Dean to let Sam die… even if it was what Sam wanted. Dean had always felt that way about Sam and he had always assumed Sam felt the same about him.

Sam shook his head and looked down at the dock before returning his gaze to Dean. “So what… you decide to trick me into being possessed by some… psycho angel?” Saving each other at any cost had only ever brought greater pain, not to mention death for those they cared about. Why couldn’t Dean see that?

Dean persisted in his position. He believed the outcome was right. “He saved your life.”

Sam knew he wasn’t getting through to Dean. Their lives weren’t worth more than other people’s – no matter how many people they saved. And their love… it wasn’t worth betraying each other. “So what? I was willing to die.” Sam paused. “And now… Kevin…”

 _Poor Sammy_ , was all Dean could think to himself. Having to watch Kevin die by his own hand. “No. That is not on you.” Dean growled. “Kevin’s blood is on my hands. And that ain’t ever gettin’ clean.” Dean paused. “I’ll burn for that.” And Dean was willing to burn. For Sam… just so Sam could live.

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Sam nodded, his face full of incredulity. Dean couldn’t – or wouldn’t – see what their decisions had cost everyone else. And each other.

Dean continued. “I will. But I’ll find Gadreel and I will end that son of a bitch.” Dean paused. “But I’ll do it alone.” Dean was done hurting others. He needed to make things… not right, but even… equal. He needed revenge or retribution… this was all on him and he was the only one who could fix it.

Sam looked at Dean, his expression weary. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Dean didn’t trust Sam to help him? 

Dean’s eyes turned glassy as he tried to keep his emotions in check. “C’mon man… can’t you see I’m… I’m poison, Sam. People get close to me… they get killed… or worse. You know, I tell myself I help more people than I hurt. I tell myself I’m doing it all for the right reasons… and I believe that. But I can’t… I won’t… drag anybody through the muck with me. Not anymore.” Sam heard the unsaid, “and that includes you” that Dean couldn’t bring himself to say.

Sam couldn’t argue with Dean. In many ways he now saw their intense love for one another as toxic. Just how many people were going to have to die so that they could stay together? Not one more if Sam had anything to say about it. He wasn’t going to risk anyone anymore to keep him and Dean together or to keep their love alive.

If they even could be together, or be in love with one another, after this latest betrayal. Sam was having a hard time imagining himself ever trusting Dean again.

Inside, Dean was crying out for his brother. He wanted to beg Sam to hold him, to keep him there with him – where Dean had always wanted to be. The only place Dean felt safe and right. He hoped Sam would see that he didn’t want to go it alone – without him. Dean hoped Sam would put their differences aside and remember just how much they loved one another.

Sam looked at Dean. “Go. I’m not gonna stop you.” 

Dean nodded once. So that was it, then. So be it. He turned and walked toward the Impala. 

“But don’t go thinking that’s the problem… cuz it’s not.” Sam said loudly as Dean walked away. The problem wasn’t that Dean was poison. The problem was their obsession with one another. The problem was that when one of their lives were at stake, they made shitty decisions without thinking… they just trusted their instincts and let the consequences be damned.

Well – from Sam’s perspective: no more.

Dean turned and looked at his brother. His beautiful baby brother whom he loved with every fiber of his being. The same brother who looked at him now with despair. “What’s that s’posed to mean?”

Sam didn’t even look at Dean. He couldn’t – because everything inside him was telling him to go to him… to pull Dean close and hold him tight. Despite the lies, despite the betrayals… at his core, Sam still lived and breathed for Dean. 

“Just go.”

With his heart shattered, Dean turned and went to the Impala. He slid behind the wheel and pulled the car out onto the road, leaving Cas and Sam behind. Dean gripped the steering wheel tightly to keep his hands from trembling.

The scene with Sam had been far worse than he could have imagined. Dean suspected that things would never been the same for them again. The last time he’d made love to Sam, he’d still been possessed by Gadreel. And then Dean had slept with Suzy and he and Sam hadn’t been together since. Tears began sliding down Dean’s cheeks as he was confronted by the very real possibility that he and Sam would never be together again.

Dean knew he’d cry all the way to wherever he was going next.

Back at the dock, Cas looked at Sam. It was clear to him that Sam was grieving. “Sam…” Cas started. “Dean needs time.”

Sam looked over at Cas with his brows furrowed. “Really, Cas? You think this is about Dean? What about me? What about my choices?” Sam stood straight and his demeanor was filled with tension. “What about me being betrayed? What about my decisions being ignored and overridden?”

“Sam… he cannot live without you.” Cas said quietly.

Sam balled his hands into fists. “We have to stop the insanity, Cas! We’re hurting – or worse, killing – people with our love… and by the way? Our love is something that the vast majority of people would find disgusting! And yet, we fight for it, we’ve sacrificed over and over… and for what? So one of us doesn’t have to be alone? I’m done!”

Cas regarded Sam. “It’s neither of your faults that you’re soulmates, Sam. True soulmates are rare. It was unfortunate that you and Dean were born as brothers in that respect, but true soulmates… those bonds cannot be denied.”

“Yeah?” Sam fixed Cas with a steely glare. “Well… I’m gonna put a stop to this craziness. If Dean comes back, great. We’ll work together… but that’s it. No more soul mate shit. No more putting others in danger… none of that. Not anymore.”

Sam turned and walked toward Cas’ car. He was done here. Sam believed what he’d said. He also knew way down deep where the harder truths lie… that if Dean’s life were on the line… he would have done exactly what Dean did.

And that was the problem. For both of them.


	11. First Born

“He was right… you are worthy.” Crowley said from the passenger seat. He’d always admired Dean. His courage, his sense of purpose, his sense of duty… the love he had for Sam. Crowley found Dean to be a worthy adversary. And in many ways, Crowley envied Dean. 

He had good looks, brawn and would be a real lady killer… were it not for the fact that he and Sam were pretty well committed to one another. Lots of people would find Sam and Dean’s relationship creepy. Crowley, on the other hand, wasn’t one of those people. Or demons, as it were.

Dean didn’t look at Crowley as he jabbered from the other side of the car. He couldn’t stand to see anyone but Sam sitting next to him in that seat. He always found it disconcerting when Crowley tried some kind of overture of respect or friendship. Whatever Crowley was feeling was definitely not reciprocated. “Oh what… now you’re gonna get all touchy feely, too?” Dean said sarcastically. 

Crowley looked at Dean with pity. Dean’s emotional issues ran so very, very deep. “Your problem, mate, is that nobody hates you more than you do.” Dean stared straight out into the night through the windshield, knowing that what Crowley said was absolutely true. “Believe me, I’ve tried.” Crowley added. And he had – but he always ended up finding something to admire in Dean… or even, Lucifer help him, something to like.

Dean continued to stare straight ahead. “So how do we find this blade?”

Crowley arched a brow in Dean’s direction, not that Dean was facing him to see his saucy expression. “You can’t search the bottom of the ocean. But I can. So I’ll find it and bring it to its new owner.” 

Dean closed his eyes in despair as Crowley exited the car. This conversation wasn’t over yet, even though Dean wanted to be done with it.

“I saw you, Crowley.” Dean said roughly as he exited the car. “Back at Cain’s.” 

Dean began walking around the front of the car. “You dusted that underguard demon and then you just sat back and watched the main event. You knew.” Dean began moving closer to Crowley. “You knew about the Mark, you knew about Abaddon and Cain… you knew about all of it.” 

Dean paused, waiting for Crowley to look at him. “And you played me… Why?”

Crowley smiled winningly. “He would have never given me the blade. I needed you to play along.” Crowley said smugly.

Dean fixed Crowley with a glare. “You knew we were being followed and you didn’t say anything.” Dean continued. He was slowly making a fist because he knew how the rest of this particular conversation would go.

“I knew Cain would want to see his prize fighter up close.” Crowley responded. “You, plus demons, equals Fight Night.” Crowley smiled at his own ingenuity.

Dean looked at Crowley in disgust. “Tara died.” Dean paused as he squinted at Crowley. “Thanks to you.” Just one more death to add to the very long list of shitty things that happened to anyone who dared help Dean Winchester.

Crowley smirked as he responded flippantly. “Omelets, eggs, etcetera.”

Dean nodded once while looking to the side. There was no warning when his fist connected with Crowley’s jaw. 

“After I kill Abaddon… you’re next!” Dean growled. He wanted to beat Crowley into a bloody pulp. But now wasn’t the time. He needed the blade and he needed to kill Abaddon. And then he needed to settle the score with Gadreel and Metatron… and maybe then he could go back to Sam and beg him for his forgiveness.

Crowley wiped blood from his lip with his fingers. “You don’t mean that. We’re having too much fun.”

Dean shook his head and began walking away. He wasn’t going to give Crowley the satisfaction of having any more of his attention.

“Listen up! Even with the blade, we’re gonna need all the help we can get against Abaddon.” Crowley’s statement was pointed. He knew things were not well between Sam and Dean. He was hoping he could help put the boys back together. He didn’t quite know what to do with just a Squirrel or just a Moose. They were a matched set.

Dean nodded, acknowledging Crowley’s statement, but not necessarily agreeing with it. “Go find the blade.”

Crowley could see that Dean wasn’t going to budge on bringing in Sam. “It’s always something with you boys, isn’t it.” Crowley disappeared to go retrieve the blade.

Dean felt Crowley go and then looked down at the Mark of Cain. It burned still. He could already feel… something… taking hold inside him. He acknowledged to himself that it had been rather stupid to not at least find out a little about the burden Cain mentioned.

But, Dean was an act first, ask questions later kind of guy. And granted, that had been exactly the kind of recklessness that had caused his current rift with Sam. And Kevin’s death. But Dean was on a mission now. He was going to prove himself to be worthy of Sam’s love once again. He’d right all the wrongs of the past several months and then throw himself at Sam’s feet and beg for one more chance.

When it came to Sam, Dean wasn’t above begging.

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Dean pulled his coat sleeve down over the Mark of Cain. Out of sight, out of mind. Hopefully. He went back to the driver’s side of the Impala and slid in behind the wheel. He let out a long sigh as he looked to the right… to the empty seat next to him.

Dean closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat of the car. He let the tears come. He missed Sam so much. He could think of nothing but Sam. He allowed himself to recall the night everything had changed between them.

_Dean was almost asleep when Sam spoke. “Why’d ya do it, Dean?”_

_Dean looked over at Sam in the other bed. “Do what?” Dean hoped they didn’t have to talk about the secret he’d kept from Sam about what John had said before he died again. The afternoon discussion was hard enough._

_Sam sighed. “When we thought I might be infected… why did you lock yourself in with me?”_

_Dean sat up and looked out the motel window. Different topic then. Dean could work with that. Maybe. “I told you, Sammy. I’m tired.”_

_Sam got out of bed and walked to the window and looked out into the night. “I don’t believe you.” He said softly against the glass._

_Dean got out of bed and went to Sam. “What do you wanna hear, man? Why can’t you just accept what I said?”_

_Sam looked over his should at Dean. “I wanna hear the truth, Dean.”_

_Dean sighed. “That is the truth.”_

_Sam dropped his head, shaking it slowly. “Why won’t you tell me how you feel?”_

_Dean reached out and spun Sam around. “You want to know how I feel, Sammy?”_

_Sam looked at Dean, eyes wide in the moonlight. “Yeah, Dean. I do.”_

_Dean grabbed Sam’s shoulders and pushed him back against the wall. Sam met his gaze unflinchingly._

_“You want to know how I feel.” It was a statement, not a question, but Sam nodded once to confirm._

_Dean pushed himself up against Sam, his lips crushing Sam’s in a bruising kiss. He held it for several seconds and then stepped back, looking at his brother. “You wanted to know how I feel? Well now you know.”_

And Dean had felt the same way about Sam ever since. Even before that really. That love was the only thing that had kept him going all these years.

Dean opened his eyes and started the car. With thoughts of a brother who was no longer by his side, Dean drove off into the night.

Hundreds of miles away, Sam was lying on the bed he and Dean used to share. Unbeknownst to either brother, Sam was thinking about the very same night. 

_“You want to know how I feel.”_

_Dean pushed himself up against Sam, his lips crushing Sam’s in a bruising kiss. He held it for several seconds and then stepped back, looking at his brother. “You wanted to know how I feel? Well now you know.” Dean spun around and strode toward the motel door “I’m outta here.”_

_Sam took two big strides and grabbed his arm, spinning Dean around. Dean wouldn’t look at Sam. “Ask me how I feel, Dean.”_

_“No.” Dean growled. “Let me go.”_

_Sam deepened his voice. “Ask me how I feel, Dean.”_

_Dean looked up at Sam, defiantly. “How. Do. You. Feel.” Dean spat the words out at his brother._

_Sam took Dean’s face in his hands, cradling it gently. “This is how I feel.” Sam leaned in and captured his brother’s lips in an achingly sweet kiss. He wrapped his arms around Dean and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Dean groaned deep in his throat as he wrapped his arms around Sam. Sam kissed Dean deeply and thoroughly, savoring his brother’s response. Finally, Sam broke the kiss, resting his forehead against his brother’s._

_“That’s how I feel, Dean.”_

_“Sammy…” Dean’s voice was anguished. “We can’t… we can’t let this happen. We’ve gotta stop this.”_

_Sam cupped Dean’s face. “It’s already happened. It’s been happening, Dean.” Sam brought his lips against his brother’s again. “You know it’s been happening.”_

_Dean stepped back from Sam, pressing his palms to his temples. “Yeah, Sammy… I know it’s been happening… but it’s a line we shouldn’t cross. You’re my brother for fuck’s sake!”_

_“Don’t you think I know that?” Sam carded his fingers through his own hair. “Of course I know that Dean! But I don’t care.”_

_Dean looked at Sam. “You don’t care.”_

_Sam shook his head once. “I can honestly say I don’t care.” Sam paused and then continued. “Shades of gray, Dean. We’re already everything to each other, why not this, too?”_

Sam brushed away the tears from his eyes. He had sent them down this path. He’d been so in love with Dean that he’d basically forced Dean to show him what he’d felt. Without Sam forcing the issue, Dean would have never crossed the line. Even after they kissed, Dean had wanted sanity to prevail… but Sam had been the one to convince Dean that they were choosing the right path.

Now they were apart and that all-consuming love they once shared was buried under a sea of dead friends and bad decisions. They’d each made choices that had had huge ramifications… and nearly always for others. So many people gone… and yet they lived on.

What gave them the right?

Sam turned on his side and pulled a pillow close, aching to wrap his arms around Dean. He felt so empty without Dean by his side. Sam wanted to do the right thing for once. He really did… but in the darkness of the night, all he really wanted was Dean in his arms, where he belonged.

As he did every night since Dean had left, Sam cried himself to sleep.

Hours later, Cas stood next to Sam’s sleeping form, watching over him while he rested. Cas listened to Sam cry every night and his heart ached for his friend. He’d tried to talk to Sam about it, but Sam was filled with regret and self-loathing. Cas missed the days when he didn’t know what those emotions felt like.

He also wished he could fix the relationship between Sam and Dean but he knew only they could do that. He just wasn’t certain they would.

But he had hope, and even faith, in them both.


	12. Sharp Teeth

As Dean drove Sam back to his set of wheels, he thought about how close Sam had been to him when they were leaning up against the Impala the previous night, just prior to getting the call from the sheriff about the dead deer. Every time Sam had moved, his shoulder had brushed against Dean’s causing Dean to suck in a breath. How he’d wanted to reach over and thread his fingers through Sam’s. 

For two weeks, they’d been apart. Every night, Dean had stared at the phone in his hand, hoping against hope that Sam would call him… or text. Sometimes his finger would hover over Sam’s number. He wanted to call so badly… just to hear Sam’s voice.

But Sam hadn’t called and neither had Dean. And now they were about to resume their separate lives. Dean didn’t want that. He wanted his brother by his side. He needed him there. Dean pulled the Impala to a stop next to Sam’s wheels.

Sam nodded at Dean and exited the car. Dean watched him for a moment before getting out of the car himself.

Dean let out a long breath. “Hey… that night we went our separate ways…” Sam turned to look at Dean. He could see the pain behind Dean’s eyes. Sam understood it, but he couldn’t let it sway him. Not this time.

“You mean the night you split?” Sam had no intention of leaving Dean that night, but Dean had left him and maybe it had been a good thing, them taking some time and space for themselves. Of course, Sam had cried himself to sleep most nights, but that aside, it had probably been a good idea.

Sam’s statement was closer to the truth. 

“Fair enough.” Dean nodded and then continued. “I was messed up, man. Kevin was dead and I… I don’t know what I was.” Dean had been devastated, scared, angry with himself, terrified of losing Sam… he was fairly certain he’d experienced more emotions in a span of minutes than at any other time in his life.

“Ok.” Sam didn’t know what else to say. What did Dean expect from him? They were on tenuous ground.

Dean looked away from Sam and then caught Sam’s eyes with his own. 

“Hell, maybe I still don’t. But I know I took a piece of you in the process and for that…” Dean looked at Sam, his eyes imploring his brother to understand, even just a little. “It’s like somebody changed the playbook, man… what’s right is wrong and what’s wrong is more wrong… I just know that when we rode together…” Dean shrugged, unable to continue. He didn’t know how to tell the one person who had mattered most to him since Day 1 that he just couldn’t go on without him. The playbook had changed, but Dean was still certain that they belonged together.

“We split the crappiness.” Sam said softly. He knew exactly what Dean meant. The way they’d just fallen into a natural rhythm the last couple of days… the way they moved together without thinking… gravitated toward one another like when they stood up against the Impala… despite everything, there hadn’t been an inch of space between them.

“Yeah… so…” Dean looked at the ground and moved his head in a helpless gesture. He wanted to beg Sam to ride with him again. He needed his brother by his side. He wanted to pull Sam close, cover his face with kisses… push him up against the Impala and feel Sam grow hard against his thigh as they kissed deeply and passionately. But if all Dean could get was Sam in the passenger seat? He’d take it.

Sam looked at Dean, noting the anguish and the need behind his words. 

“Ok.” He couldn’t give Dean what he wanted… not if Sam was going to stop the insanity of their decisions that came directly from their obsession with one another. But he could ride with him. With some stipulations.

Dean looked into Sam’s eyes finally, holding his gaze. 

“Ok.” Dean was so relieved. He thought Sam was going to leave him alone. The alone part wasn’t the problem… Sam leaving was. Dean hoped that they could ride together, find some normalcy and rebuild their relationship, which Dean hoped included spend nights wrapped up in each other’s arms in their bed. 

Sam squinted into the afternoon sun before looking back at Dean. “But something’s broken here, Dean.” And it wasn’t just the craziness of their bond. It was something far more fundamental.

Dean nodded quickly. He knew Sam needed to be heard so he’d listen and he’d agree if that’s what it took to get his Sammy back. “I’m not saying that it’s not. I’m just saying maybe we need to put a couple of Ws on the board and maybe we can get past all this.” Dean thought that getting back into their rhythm and earning Sam’s trust back would be a series of events that led them to _them_ again.

Sam shook his head. “I don’t think so. No… I wish, but… we don’t see things the same way anymore. Our roles in this whole thing. Back in that church, talking me out of boarding up hell… or… or tricking me into letting Gadreel possess me? I can’t trust you. Not the way I thought I could. Not the way I should be able to.” Sam let his words sink in.

Sam remembered when he could trust Dean… when Dean accepted Sam’s decision to sacrifice himself to save the world. Dean had supported him. He’d been there to watch Sam fall backwards into the pit, taking Lucifer and Michael with him. He hadn’t stopped him – because it was for the good of the world. The Dean that stood before Sam now put him above all else. Sam didn’t deserve that kind of love and devotion. He was not more important that other people or the world. Dean had to see that.

Just when Dean thought his heart couldn’t break anymore… Sam always found a way to break even the remnants. Sam could trust him. Dean knew he’d done the right thing by saving Sam… he couldn’t believe Sam didn’t see it. Dean would find a way to make Sam understand. But the time wasn’t now. 

Now, he had to get Sam to focus on the most important thing: “Ok… whatever happened… we’re family, ok?”

Sam huffed out an incredulous laugh. “You say that like it’s some sort of cure-all. Like it can change the fact everything that has ever gone wrong between us has been because we’re family.” Because we’re lovers, Sam added in his head. Because we only have ever really loved each other. Because we’d do anything for one another – even die. 

Well, maybe not anymore. Now, apparently, Dean thought they should save each other at any cost. And deep down… Sam couldn’t argue with that… he knew he’d do anything to save Dean, too. But he had to be strong now. They needed to stop hurting others in their attempts to hang onto their love and one another.

Dean wanted to cry. Family was the most important thing… and Sam was reducing it to… nothing. As though it had never mattered to them. _Him._ “So what – we’re not family now?” Dean regretted the question after it left his mouth. He didn’t want to hear his beautiful baby brother tell him they weren’t family anymore. If he said it outright, Dean knew he would crumple to the ground.

Sam looked at Dean. It was so hard trying to be strong but one of them had to do it. “I’m saying… you wanna work, let’s work. If you wanna be brothers…” Sam looked away, indicating that wasn’t going to be a possibility any time soon. “Well… those are my terms.”

Dean looked down at the dirt and then back at Sam. He kept a neutral look on his face, even though inside he felt like he was dying. He couldn’t even answer Sam… all he could do is nod. Sam nodded back and went back to the passenger side of the Impala and slid into his seat.

Dean blinked back his tears before turning and heading toward the driver’s side. He slid behind the wheel of the car but couldn’t bring himself to look at Sam. He knew if he did, he would cry and beg Sam to… forgive him, to change his mind… to care the way Dean did. Dean sighed as he pulled the car out onto the road.

The brothers rode in silence, each alone with their own thoughts. Sam flexed his left hand a few times. He wanted to reach for Dean… he wanted to feel their connection… that sense of completeness whenever they touched. But he couldn’t… if he did, he and Dean would fall right back into their previous pattern of horrible decisions and worse outcomes.

Dean noticed Sam flexing his hand. He didn’t want to put too much stock in it… but Sam had always done that when he was thinking about reaching out to Dean. Dean briefly considered extending his hand to Sam… but if he did and Sam rejected it, Dean knew he couldn’t deal with that so he kept his hands on the wheel and tried to squash the hope that threatened to invade his heart at the thought of Sam wanting to touch him.

Sam had said they’d work together. He’d also clearly indicated that being brothers – and lovers – wasn’t on the table. Dean had to respect that. If he didn’t, he knew he’d run the risk of losing Sam forever this time. He knew he was lucky that Sam wanted him back at all after he’d lied to him for so long about Gadreel.

Sam cleared his throat. “So, Cas was with me for a while at the bunker.”

“Yeah?” Dean didn’t give a shit about Cas right now, but he did make for a nice neutral conversation topic. “How’s he doing?”

Sam snorted. “He misses being human. Says he can’t eat food anymore because now all he tastes are the individual molecules.”

Dean shot a look at Sam. “What the hell does that mean?”

Sam looked over at Dean with a small smile. “Hell if I know… but he misses PB&Js now.”

Dean let out a small chuckle. “That’d be low on my list of foods to miss if I were him.”

“Hamburgers.” Sam and Dean said together, sharing a laugh and a look.

Dean loved when Sam smiled. Right now, the smile wasn’t quite reaching his eyes… but just to see him try made Dean feel better. For a while, Dean was afraid he might have to pull over to vomit… his gut was absolutely roiling with nausea from the tension, worry and emotion the day had held.

Sam shot another glance over at Dean. It’d had been a decade since they’d reconnected when Dean had picked him up at Stanford. For the majority of that time, they’d been brothers, best friends and lovers. Sam wanted to take them to a new place now – one based on trust and mutual respect and a sense of purpose without all of the insanity that had been driven by the way they used to be.

Sam’s gaze lingered on Dean’s profile, his eyes caressing his brother’s face with a trace of the adoration he’d always felt for Dean. Sam couldn’t hide all of it. And Dean… he was still so beautiful… stunning, really, with his long lashes, full lips and moss-green eyes Sam had lost himself in over and over ever since the first time they’d kissed.

Sam dragged his gaze away from Dean. If he didn’t, he was afraid he’d beg Dean to pull the car over and just fall into his arms right there on the side of the road. Like they’d done a hundred different times when they needed what they could only get from one another.

Sam sighed softly and leaned his head against the passenger window, closing his eyes to try to get some rest. What he was doing was hard. But one of them had to do it… and if Dean wouldn’t let Sam shut the gates of hell forever, then the least Sam could do is shut the gates to his heart and sacrifice his greatest love to keep others safe.

It wasn’t going to be easy, but it was the right thing to do.


	13. The Purge (Prelude)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene takes place prior to the episode.

When Dean pulled the Impala into the garage, he was overwhelmed with a sense of being home. Maybe things weren’t right between he and Sam, but this is where they’d lived and loved together during one of the most stable time of their lives.

Dean put the car in Park and turned to speak to Sam, but Sam had already launched himself out of the car and was in the process of grabbing his duffel. Dean closed his mouth and kept his thoughts to himself. He was about to tell Sam how good it felt to be back in the bunker with him and that he hoped they could work on their relationship when they weren’t hunting.

Clearly, Sam had had his fill of time with Dean. Dean closed his eyes and sighed. What Sam wanted – a professional relationship only – was going to be next to impossible for him. But out of respect for Sam’s wishes… he’d do his best.

Dean slid out from behind the wheel and gathered his things. He hauled his duffel into the bunker, through the main room and back toward his bedroom. He made quick work of unpacking his duffel and then went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. He found Sam there, sitting at the table, eating a sandwich.

Dean walked by Sam, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him, to grab a glass.

“You want a sandwich?” Sam asked from behind Dean. “I made an extra one… in case…”

Dean turned and noticed a sandwich on a plate on the counter next to the refrigerator. Somewhere deep inside, Sam still cared. Dean had to believe that… or he couldn’t go on. “Yeah… Sammy… thanks.” Dean realized he’d just used his pet name for Sam. He closed his eyes briefly, hoping that Sam wouldn’t make a big deal about it.

Sam had noticed the term of affection and it tugged at his heartstrings. Being with Dean… but not able to touch him… it was hell. Thankfully he was still angry and hurt about the whole crazy-angel-possession thing, so that helped… but once that wore off, Sam questioned his ability to remain resolute in his decision to stop the insanity.

When Sam said nothing, Dean grabbed the sandwich and sat at the table across from Sam. The brothers ate without talking. They were both trying to get used to the new dynamic in their interactions. Sam wanted to find something safe to talk about, but there was nothing – aside from Cas – that seemed safe enough and Sam had already given Dean that update, so he remained quiet.

Dean kept looking at Sam surreptitiously. He could see Sam, he could talk to him… but he couldn’t touch him. And Dean really wanted to touch him. Dean ached to run his fingers though Sam’s hair… to feel the softness of his skin on the most sensitive parts of his neck… Dean wanted to hold Sam close and feel their heartbeats synchronize… he wanted so much that he couldn’t have now.

Sam finished his sandwich and then rose to bring his plate to the sink where he rinsed it and placed it in the dish rack. Sam looked down at his hands… the hands that wanted to slide around Dean’s stomach and pull him close. The hands that ached to feel Dean’s fingers entangled with Sam’s own. The treasonous hands that wanted to reach down and grab Dean’s ass to pull Dean as deep inside Sam as he could go.

Sam puffed out a breath and straightened as he turned. Without looking at Dean, Sam walked toward the door of the kitchen. “I’m heading to bed. Good night, Dean.”

“Night, Sam.” Dean said as he watched his brother walk out of the kitchen and into the bunker. Dean sighed and put what remained of his sandwich on his plate. He was going to have to find a way to deal with the silence and the tension… and his own all-encompassing need for Sam because it was clear that Sam wasn’t going to relent. 

At least not yet.

Sam finished brushing his teeth so he rinsed with mouthwash and spat into the sink. He left the bathroom and as he walked toward his room, he had to pass by the room he and Dean had shared the entire time they’d been in the bunker.

Sam paused at the doorway and looked at the bed where he and Dean made love and held each other night after night. After Dean had left, Sam had slept in their bed every night, crying himself to sleep. He couldn’t let Dean see his weakness now so he silently bid farewell to their shared room and retreated to his own.

A while later, after Dean had finished his preparations for bed, he, too, paused at the doorway of their shared bedroom. It hurt him to think that they would likely never share that bed again. So many times they’d lost themselves in each other – just feet away from where Dean now stood. Remembering their passion and their love brought tears to Dean’s eyes. 

He looked at the bed in longing… he slowly stepped toward the bed and ran his hands over the sheets. He imagined them warm from their bodies. Dean leaned forward and sniffed the pillow cases. He could still smell Sam on them, as though he’d been sleeping there recently… not weeks ago. Without hesitation, Dean stripped down to his boxers and slid between the sheets.

Dean took his usual side and then pulled the other pillow into his arms, imagining Sam there. He could smell Sam on the pillow case… it was the best scent Dean had ever known. Dean closed his eyes as he breathed in Sam’s scent. When the tears came, he let them fall as he cried himself to sleep surrounded by the scent of Sam.

Sam tossed and turned in his room. He wasn’t used to sleeping there and it didn’t feel right. After an hour of being unable to fall asleep, Sam sat up. Maybe… if he set an early alarm, he could go to their bedroom and sleep there without Dean knowing. Sam grabbed his phone and stood, walking quietly down the hall.

When he came to the doorway of their room, he heard soft snores emanating from it. Sam looked into the room and gasped when he saw Dean there, holding a pillow tightly in his arms. There was just enough light so that Sam could see the tear stains on his face. 

Sam blinked rapidly, trying to control the tears that had gathered in his eyes. He looked at his brother… his protector… his champion… his best friend… his long-time lover. Every instinct inside of him told him to go to Dean… to comfort him… to hold him close and never let him go.

Sam had to fight those urges because he was the only one now who could stop them from hurting others in their quest to stay together. The price had been too high and Sam hoped that eventually Dean would see that. And no matter how much it hurt to deny himself what he needed most – his brother – Sam had to be strong.

Before Sam retreated to a bedroom that felt foreign to him, even though it was technically his, he allowed himself one last, lingering glance at his sleeping brother. “I love you so fucking much…” Sam whispered into the darkness of the room. 

Sam then turned at went back to the room that he’d never really thought of as his because he’d only ever thought in terms of “ours”. Sam lay down and tried to get comfortable. He eventually pulled a pillow against him, trying hard not to think of having Dean in his arms, and then he, too, cried himself to sleep.


	14. The Purge (Postlude)

Dean took a sip of bourbon. He was sitting in the kitchen, alone, wondering how fate had brought him to a place where he and Sam didn’t exist as Sam&Dean anymore. Dean sighed as he rolled the tumbler between his hands, watching the amber liquid swirl within. Sam noticed Dean in the kitchen so he stopped at the doorway to tell Dean he was heading to bed.

“Hey. ‘Bout what you said the other day…” Dean said in the quiet of the room. He needed to talk about it. He needed to say his piece.

“I thought it didn’t bother you.” Sam said flatly. He knew differently, of course. But during the day, Dean had acted unbothered by it so Sam wanted to let him have his front.

“You know, Sam… I saved your hide back there.” Dean looked into Sam’s eyes, holding his gaze. “And I saved your hide at that church. And in the hospital. I may not think things all the way through, ok, but what I do… I do because it’s the right thing.” Dean picked up his glass and looked at Sam over the rim. “I’d do it again.” Dean finished off the rest of his drink.

Sam nodded thoughtfully and looked at Dean. “And that is the problem. You think you’re my savior, my brother the hero… you swoop in and think, even when you mess up, that what you’re doing is worth it because you’ve convinced yourself you’re doing more good than bad…” Sam shook his head. “But you’re not.”

Dean looked at Sam wondering how Sam could have changed so radically. There was a time Sam loved that he could count on Dean and he loved that Dean counted at him. What had happened to that?

_Looking after you is kinda my job._

_What do you think my job is, Dean?_

Sam continued, his tone even although inside he was at war with himself. His brother was his hero – and his savior and it hurt him to not openly acknowledge that. “I mean… Kevin’s dead. Crowley’s in the wind… we’re no closer to beating this angel thing. Please tell me… what is the upside of me being alive?” 

Why couldn’t Dean understand the soul-searing pain Sam was experiencing? Beyond the betrayal of Dean tricking Sam… there was Kevin’s blood on his hands… there was still so much deep-seeded pain from every mistake Sam had ever made. Even though Dean had said all that stuff was then – and Sam had toasted with his brother to the now – that didn’t erase that pain from Sam’s psyche.

Dean spread his hands and looked at Sam in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?” Dean asked. “You and me… fighting the good fight. Together.” Together always. Together – as in _together_.

_There is nothing, past or present, I would put in front of you._

Sam exhaled and turned away. He turned back and walked down the two stairs into the kitchen taking a seat across from Dean. “Just once. Be honest with me.”

Dean looked at Sam intently, wondering what Sam was going to say next. He had a feeling it was going to crush him, so he braced himself mentally.

“You didn’t save me for me.” Sam held Dean’s gaze. “You did it for you.” Sam laid his cards out on the table. It was time for one of them to acknowledge that their crazy, tangled up love was so all-consuming that they had been unable to let go of one another… and so when they tried to get each other back… it was more about the one who was still alive – not the one who was gone.

Sam had been there, when Dean went to hell. When Gabriel had made him relive Dean’s death hundreds of times… the absolute obsession to get Dean back had overwhelmed him. Because _he_ couldn’t let go. Sam had finally realized this when he’d been mentally unable to look for Dean when Dean was in purgatory… what had always seemed right – getting each other back at any cost – had really been about the brother who was alive more than their love or even the death of the other.

Dean was stunned. “What are you talking about?” Dean couldn’t understand Sam’s vantage point. And deep down, he knew it was partly because he didn’t want to. He _liked_ how crazy in love they’d always been. 

“I was ready to die. I was ready. I should have died. But you… you didn’t want to be alone.” Sam said flatly, hoping Dean would hear the truth in what he said. Dean couldn’t even speak. He looked around wildly for a moment before looking down at the table. Dean didn’t want to be alone… but it wasn’t like just anyone would fit the bill… it had to be Sam. He _needed_ Sam.

Sam knew he was hurting Dean, but he had to say it all now or he might never have the courage to say it again. “And that’s what all this boils down to. You can’t stand the thought of being alone.” _And neither can I_ is what Sam left unsaid, because he was trying to stop all of the craziness that happened because they loved one another. It was the right thing for the other people they cared about… which numbered in the single digits at this point, since nearly everyone they’d cared about was already dead.

Dean couldn’t deal with what Sam was saying so he shook his head and began turning away. “All right…” he whispered as he rose and turned his back on Sam. Dean couldn’t believe that Sam actually _believed_ what he was saying. No way. Dean would never accept that.

Sam had saved his dagger for last. “I’ll give you this much… you are certainly willing to do the sacrificing… as long as you’re not the one being hurt.” Sam remembered what he’d been willing to do when Gabriel had let Dean die for six months. He remembered what he’d been willing to do when Dean was in hell. This was a lot like the pot calling the kettle black, but Sam had sworn to himself that those decisions… that obsession… was going to be behind him now.

Dean turned and looked at Sam. “You wanna be honest? If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you’d do the same thing.” Dean had to believe that was true. If it wasn’t… he didn’t know what he would do.

Sam looked to the left and then down at the table. “No, Dean.” Sam shook his head. “I wouldn’t.” 

_YES YOU WOULD_ Sam’s soul cried out. Sam swallowed past the lump in his throat. He was destroying Dean’s world view, and he didn’t take that lightly. He really didn’t… but it was necessary now. Other people had lost enough in their unending quest to stay together.

Dean looked at Sam incredulously. He wanted to scream at Sam to take it back – to stop crushing his heart… but he could see by the look on Sam’s face that Sam had made a decision. And this one? Dean wasn’t going to be able to trick him or sweet talk him out of it. Sam was done.

“Same circumstances…” Sam looked up at Dean, meeting his eyes and ruthlessly going in for the kill. “I wouldn’t.” 

There. He’d done it. He had thought he wouldn’t be able to, but holding onto the anger of being tricked by Dean into angel possession had given him the strength. That, and remembering what Gadreel had done to Kevin with Sam’s hand… burning his eyes out. Those were powerful emotions to buoy Sam’s resolve.

Dean couldn’t even speak. He just looked at Sam. And Sam looked back before turning away. “I’m gonna get to bed.” Sam stood and walked out of the room, leaving a bereft Dean watching him walk away from him. From them. 

Dean’s face revealed his inner torment as his eyes welled with tears. Dean turned and rushed to the kitchen sink, vomiting up what was left of his dinner.

Sam stopped walking when he heard Dean vomiting and then sobbing in the kitchen. He closed his eyes and fought the urge to run to his brother and take it all back. He knew he was being the worst kind of bastard, but he had to – he no longer had choice now that their love had killed Kevin – and countless others over the years.

Sam opened his eyes and began jogging down the hall, unerringly finding the bathroom. He pulled the door shut behind him and then he, too, vomited into the toilet. Sam hung his head over the toilet bowl, trying to get himself under control. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to be… if only Dean hadn’t stopped him in that church… Kevin would still be alive and Sam… he would finally be at peace.

Sam stood and rinsed his mouth with mouthwash, getting rid of the aftertaste of his pent up emotions. He then exited the bathroom and listened for Dean. Hearing nothing, Sam went straight to his room and grabbed his iPod off the dresser. He put the ear buds in and quickly scrolled through his playlists until he found what he wanted.

“Cry” by Jason Walker began to play. And cry was exactly what Sam did.

_Oh no, where did all the years go  
And was it really worth all of this  
Heartache that was handed to me  
Holding on just don't make sense  
But the hardest part of letting go  
Is tryin' to find a way  
To let you know_

_So we'll just cry, cry  
On each other's shoulders  
Cry until it's over  
Can't it just be over  
And we'll just cry, cry  
Cry until it's all gone  
Been holding on for too long  
Time for us to move on  
I'm tired of tryin' to find a reason why  
So let's just cry_

Sam’s eyes were closed and tears were falling, sliding down the sides of his face and into his hair and then ultimately dampening the pillow beneath his head. Thoughts of Dean swirled in his mind. The night he came to Stanford to get Sam… when he called Sam “tiger”. The way Dean looked at him when he begged Sam to understand why he’d traded his life for Sam’s. The awe on his face the first time Dean slid his cock deep inside Sam and they’d made love. The look in Dean’s eyes when he’d just gotten back from hell and was so fucking happy to see Sam.

_I've been thinking 'bout my life and  
How much time I've wasted  
I'm ready to put it all behind  
Let it all be yesterday  
But the hardest part of letting go  
Is tryin' to find a way  
To let you know_

_So let's just cry, cry  
On each other's shoulders  
Cry until it's over  
Can't it just be over…_

Sam cried until there were no tears left. And then he just felt empty. And exhausted. Maybe even exhausted enough to sleep. Sam rolled onto his side and gathered a pillow close. He missed Dean and he knew he always would, so he had to find a way to function. And he would. Maybe tomorrow.

Two floors below Sam, Dean was in the firing range. He aimed his gun and pulled the trigger. Clip after clip, Dean fired straight and true as tears leaked from his eyes. Underneath his ear protection, he, too, was listening to his iPod.

He’d chosen “If I” by Ross Copperman. The first time he heard the song, it made him think of Sam and the way that they sometimes struggled to communicate. Of course, Sam had no problems communicating tonight. No… he’d been very, very clear.

Too clear.

_Well you came to me, like a ray of light  
So suddenly, a beautiful surprise  
My universe alight, and it all seemed right_

_But I was unwise, and fooled myself  
Pretending you or I were somebody else  
Cos I can't speak the language that you need  
And it's killing me_

_If I cry for you, would you turn me away  
If I die for you, would you beg me to stay  
If I try to, read your mystery mind  
One thought at a time  
If I..._

_Would it be so hard, for you to let me in  
Would it hurt too much, to shed your skin  
Your rules, your games, but it's my heart at stake  
Watch it as it breaks_

The last bullet in Dean’s clip was spent, but he continued to pull the trigger as he cried. When the sobs overtook him, he dropped the gun on the counter, hanging his head, trying to catch his breath. 

He was miserable. But more than that, he was angry. Dean grabbed a box of ammo and threw it across the firing range, watching the bullets scatter everywhere. He didn’t understand why Sam was doing this to them. _To him_. They’d died for each other… they’d loved one another for so fucking long. How could he just turn his back on Dean like that?

_If I cry for you, would you turn me away  
If I die for you, would you beg me to stay  
If I try to, read your mystery mind  
One thought at a time  
If I..._

_What can I do, what can I do  
To reach out to you  
Tell me what can I do, what can I do  
Or is it no use..._

_If I cry for you, would you turn me away  
If I die for you, would you beg me to stay  
If I try to, read your mystery mind  
One thought at a time  
If I  
If I..._

Dean made his way back upstairs. His eyes were puffy and itchy from crying. He went into the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth, wetting it with cool water to hold against his eyes. He left the bathroom and paused by the door to what used to be their bedroom. He’d slept in there every night, hoping Sam would come to him eventually.

Dean nodded once and continued on to his own room. There was no point in waiting for Sam anymore. Dean knew that now. The sooner he accepted that truth, the better off he would be. 

Not that he’d ever be good again. 

But that wasn’t the point. Dean needed Sam to be alive and Sam was, so – needs met. Dean had known the risks of his decisions and now he was paying the piper. The fact that doing so tore out his heart… well, he should have expected that.

Hope wasn’t a strategy and Dean had to let it go. Deep down, he knew he’d never be able to, but he’d try his best.


	15. Captives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains strong sexual content.

“She’s my responsibility.” Kevin said, referring to his mother, who waited for him to say good-bye to Sam and Dean.

“And you were ours.” Sam said softly. “And we failed you…” Sam said softly before adding “I failed you,” in a much stronger tone.

“Sam. I know that wasn’t you. We could just blame that asshat who possessed you and call it square.” Kevin smiled at Sam, trying to get Sam to let go of some of the guilt.

Sam nodded as Mrs. Tran looked on.

Kevin glanced back at his mother. He knew it was time to go. “Guys… thank you.” Kevin said.

Dean smiled at Kevin as best he could. “You can thank us when we get you to heaven, where you belong. Until then, enjoy the time with your mom.” Dean nodded at Kevin, making a promise he intended to keep. “… the uninterrupted, 24/7, no-escape quality time…”

Mrs. Tran smiled tearfully while Kevin muttered, “Dick.” as he laughed. Kevin turned to leave, but before he did, he turned back and looked at Sam and Dean. “Hey… before I go, just promise me something.”

Dean said, “Yeah” and Sam joined him with “Anything.”

“Can you two… get over it? Dudes… just cuz you couldn’t see me doesn’t mean I couldn’t see you. The drama, the fighting… it’s stupid.” Dean looked down, in complete agreement with Kevin, but he was afraid Sam wouldn’t hear the plea.

“My mom’s taking home a ghost. You two… you’re both still here.” Kevin’s eyes pleaded with the brothers to listen to his message. What they had was special and they should preserve it. Watching them both cry themselves to sleep night after night had been heart-wrenching and all Kevin wanted was for them to fix it.

Sam nodded immediately. “Of course. Promise.”

Next to him, Dean nodded, too. “Yeah.” Dean was surprised that Sam was so willing to fix things between them. He felt his heart swell with hope.

“Good.” Kevin said before following his mom out of the bunker, feeling lighter for having said his piece to the two men who had been like his brothers when he was alive. 

Sam and Dean watched as Linda and Kevin Tran ascended the stairs together. As the door shut behind them, Dean said, “Well, that was…” as he turned to look at Sam.

Sam had already started walking back into the bunker, away from Dean. His promise to Kevin already gone, just like the words he’d uttered with no intention of keeping his promise.

Dean nodded and hung his head briefly. “Yeah… ok.” he said to himself before heading to his room. He should have known better. Why in the hell had he let himself hope at all?

Sam paused when he reached his room. Maybe… maybe he could use Kevin’s request as a reason to thaw things between him and Dean. Sam quickly rejected that thought because he knew there was no way a partial thaw would stay that way… it would lead to a complete repeat of everything they’d already been through.

Sam opened the door to his room, entered and then softly closed it behind him.

Dean strode directly to his room without pause. Once he was there, he grabbed his iPod and queued up some classic rock. He was done listening to the melancholy tunes. He was done angsting about Sam and his decision to throw them and everything they had away. If Sam wanted a professional relationship, that’s all he would get.

_You didn’t save me for me. You did it for you._

Dean closed his eyes. Sam was right. Of course he was. But it was more than that. They saved each other… for each other. They always had. Dean had thought they were aligned on that.

Until Sam didn’t look for him in purgatory.

_Nothing says family like the whole family being dead._

Maybe Sam was right. Maybe they did have to stop fighting to keep each other alive when one of them was at risk. 

Dean sighed. He hated what Sam had said. He hated what Sam was doing to them. But he couldn’t hide the truth from himself any longer: he understood Sam’s point of view.

That didn’t make his heart hurt any less, but it did burn away some of the anger he had been feeling… leaving just an empty spot that used to be filled by Sam and the love he had given to Dean.

Dean was restless, so he took off his headphones and left his bedroom. He went directly to the kitchen. He could see a light on out there in the main room of the bunker, so he figured that Sam was probably working. He didn’t call out to him. Instead, Dean put on the radio and began rummaging for ingredients. Sometimes, when he was stressed out, he liked to cook.

He was completely in control of the ingredients, how they came together and how they were presented. There were no surprises, nothing unexpected. It was easy… at least a lot easier than hunting or trying to fix things between him and Sam.

Dean got out a pot and some pasta noodles. He thought some comfort food would be good right about now. He went to the refrigerator and pulled out some hamburger and a block of parmesan. He liked to freshly grate that himself instead of buying that powdered shit.

Dean jumped when Sam spoke. “Making dinner? Can I help?”

Dean nodded. “Sure… we could always use a salad.” Dean tried smiling at Sam at his pithy rabbit food joke, but the smile never even got close to his eyes.

Sam nodded. “I’ll handle that.” He then went to the refrigerator and pulled out lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers… and way in the back he found some marinated artichokes. He brought his haul to the counter and grabbed a cutting board.

The brothers worked in silence. They’d cooked together before but they used to touch each other and kiss and get a little kinky with chocolate sauce sometimes. Now, they were the very model of efficiency. 

Dean sang along with the radio, mostly under his breath and a lot off-key. He was surprised Sam hadn’t given him any shit about the Adult Contemporary station he’d selected. Secretly Dean was hoping for a little Air Supply. If people didn’t like it, they could sue him.

Dean grabbed the pot for the pasta and brought it to the sink to fill it. When the song playing on the radio registered in his brain, he lost his grip on the pot and it clattered against the sink.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'll be the one if you want me to  
Anywhere I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Sam had stopped chopping and was frozen where he stood. When Dean slowly turned away from the sink, he found Sam looking directly at him.

_And I...I'm feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all  
And I...will stumble and fall  
I'm still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl_

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anywhere I would've followed you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Dean’s eyes welled with tears as he continued to stare at Sam. Sam’s eyes, too, filled with tears. Dean let out a long breath and then began walking toward Sam, who remained frozen in place.

_And I...will swallow my pride  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye_

Dean reached for Sam’s hand, gently taking the knife out of his grasp and laying it on the cutting board. 

“Sammy…” Dean whispered as he looked up into Sam’s eyes. “Please…”

Sam shook his head, causing his tears to spill over and run down his cheeks. Dean reached up, cupping his hands around Sam’s face as he wiped away his tears with his thumbs. “Please, Sammy…”

_Say something, I'm giving up on you  
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you  
Anyway, I would've followed you  
Say something I'm giving up on you  
Say something, I'm giving up on you_

Dean leaned up and captured Sam’s lips in a heated kiss. “Please, please… please Sammy…” Dean murmured as he pulled Sam against him. Dean needed to feel Sam against him. He needed to feel Sam _respond_ to him because nothing had felt right since Sam had ejected Gadreel… nothing between Sam and Dean had been good since then.

Sam got lost in the sensation of having Dean so close, enveloped in his scent. Ignoring his pledge to himself to stop the insanity, Sam pulled Dean tightly to him, deepening their kiss. As the last strains of the song played through the kitchen, Sam broke their kiss with a gasp and a sob.

“This won’t change anything, Dean…” Sam stared into Dean’s eyes, knowing that Dean could see and feel how much Sam needed this contact. 

“I know.” Dean said as he recaptured Sam’s lips with his own. Sam may say that this changed nothing, but Dean didn’t believe him. Dean thought that once Sam remembered how much they loved one another, things would be okay between them again. Dean ran his hands up Sam’s back, pressing their bodies together, letting Sam feel how hard he was… how much he needed this.

In a moment of clarity, Sam tried to push Dean away. “We can’t… Dean.” Sam gasped. “I can’t…” 

Sam was trying so hard to keep Dean at bay, but he was quickly losing the battle to his heart, which cried out for his brother, and his body, which responded to Dean in a way it had never responded to anyone else.

Dean dropped to his knees and grabbed Sam’s hand, pressing it against his cheek. He looked up at Sam, letting him see his desperation and need. “Sammy… please… I need you…can’t you see that?”

Sam looked away and closed his eyes, trying to shut out his pain. He wrapped his fingers around Dean’s and tugged him to his feet. Sam pulled Dean into a hug, tucking his face in next to Dean’s neck. “Don’t do that, Dean… don’t…”

“Beg?” Dean whispered frantically. “Sammy, I ain’t above beggin’ when it comes to you.” 

Sam didn’t know about Dean begging the angels for help from the hospital chapel when he was dying. Sam didn’t know that Dean had begged the crossroads demon for just a little more time when Dean made his deal to bring Sam back. Sam didn’t know that Dean had begged Cas to watch over him. More than once.

No, Dean wasn’t above begging for Sam.

Sam spun Dean around and pushed him up against the counter. Sam threaded his fingers through Dean’s hair, looking for purchase. He found enough to grab onto and he used it to pull Dean’s head back. Sam looked down at Dean. He concentrated on keeping his eyes steely. He couldn’t let Dean see how weak he actually was when it came to him. 

“You understand this will change nothing, right?” Sam growled.

Dean blinked rapidly to keep his tears at bay. “Yeah, Sammy. I heard you the first time. This changes nothing.” 

Sam wanted to shower Dean’s face with soft, lingering kisses and whisper words of undying affection and love. It was what was in his heart. But his head told him that danger awaited him if he did, so instead of following his heart, he grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him along behind him down the hall.

Sam chose an unoccupied bedroom. There was no way he was going into theirs and he didn’t want to do this in his because then there would be memories of them there… and he didn’t want to go into Dean’s for the very same reason – he didn’t want this to hurt him repeatedly.

Sam pushed Dean down on the bed and looked down at him as he made quick work of stripping off his clothes. “Take yours off, too, Dean.” Sam said, his voice low and a little shaky.

Dean did as Sam asked. Dean groaned when Sam stripped off his pants. Sam’s cock was hard and oozing from the tip. Dean couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward and grabbing Sam’s cock to hold it still while he lapped up the precome, moaning loudly in the quiet of the room. 

Sam gasped and arched back as he reached down to slide his fingers through Dean’s hair. Dean’s lips on his cock felt so fucking good. Dean had always known exactly how to suck him off. Sam held Dean’s head in place and slid his cock as deep as it would go. Dean moaned around the length in his mouth, wanting more.

Sam pulled back and pushed Dean down until his was lying on the bed with his pants still half on. Sam reached down and began tugging Dean’s pants off. Dean kicked his legs, trying to help Sam’s quest to strip him. 

Once his legs were free, Dean turned over onto his stomach and lifted his hips. “Fuck me, Sammy.” Dean said roughly. He didn’t want to see Sam hovering over him. He didn’t want to feel loved. He wanted to be punished… he thought if Sam could hurt him enough then maybe… maybe he could get on board with Sam’s plan to deny everything they’d ever been to one another.

“Dean…” Sam didn’t want to hurt Dean. He loved Dean… more than he loved himself or anyone else he’d ever known. 

“Do it, Sammy.” Dean growled, lifting his ass higher. 

Sam looked down at his brother. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t the way he wanted things to be between them. He wasn’t going to just fuck Dean… things had never been that way between them. He didn’t want to destroy their memories of being together… he just needed to…

Sam sighed and closed his eyes. He wanted Dean so much… but not like this. Sam leaned down and ran his hand down Dean’s back in a soft caress. He let his fingers trail over the curves of Dean’s ass, wishing they could still be what they used to be. 

Sam lowered his head and placed a soft kiss on Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dean… I can’t… I won’t hurt you this way.” 

Sam whispered before softly kissing his brother’s shoulder a second time. Sam stood and turned to walk out of the bedroom. On the way out he bent down and grabbed his clothes. He stopped at the doorway. He didn’t look back as he spoke. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Dean.” Sam paused. “It’s because I do.”

Dean closed his eyes against the pain as Sam left the room. Dean rolled over onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. 

“Fuck.” Dean whispered as tears flooded his eyes. “Sammy…” Dean closed his eyes as his tears leaked out from under his eyelids. 

“Sammy…” Dean whispered again.

But Sam was long gone.


	16. #THINMAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts.

As Dean drove away with Sam and his side and Harry in the backseat, they left a bereft Ed behind. The Ghostfacers were no more.

Dean knew the pain Harry was experiencing. He’d seen it in Sam. He’d experienced it himself with Sam. Dean cleared his throat. “Harry… you ok?”

Harry looked straight ahead. He didn’t know if he was ok. He didn’t know if he’d ever be ok. “Yeah… I mean no.” 

Harry paused to collect his thoughts. “You roll with a guy so many years, you start to think he’s always going to be next to you… like when you’re old and on the porch… he’ll be in that other rocking chair…” Harry paused again before continuing. “…and then something happens and you realize that other chair is gone. Empty.” 

Neither Sam nor Dean could bring themselves to look at the other, but they both had expressions of devastation on their faces.

Harry sought some validation. “You know what I mean?”

His question weighed heavily in the silence of the car.

Sam grunted noncommittally as Dean pondered his response.

“You know, Harry…” Dean started, “Sometimes people do crazy things out of love. They think they’re doing the right thing at the time… and maybe they don’t think things through… and it ends up maybe not being the right thing at the end… but… it was never their intention to hurt the other person. Or anyone else, for that matter.”

Sam couldn’t look at Dean. He knew his brother wasn’t talking to Harry at this point.

Sam puffed out a breath and jumped into the conversation. “Sometimes, Harry, people can’t see how selfish they’re being… they can’t see past their own needs, and they don’t get that tricking someone just to keep that person with them is the worst type of betrayal because it doesn’t just involve lying… but it also completely ignores what the other person wants.” Sam paused. “Or needs.”

Dean shot a look at Sam. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel as he felt his anger bubbling to the surface. “Yeah? Well maybe – just maybe – keeping that person around is what’s best for the world. Because maybe that person, together with the other guy, saves people. And maybe his life means more than the other guy can say! Not just to him, but to the world!”

Dean clenched his jaw. He was angry as hell right now and he wanted to stop the car and grab Sam out of the passenger seat in order to just… throw him up against the Impala to make him see… to kiss him and hold him and to feel him… to love him the way he needed to.

Sam was equally as angry as he looked out the windshield. “Yeah? Well maybe the other guy didn’t want to do it anymore. Maybe he was done and ready to quit. Maybe he wanted to just lay down his sword and go peacefully into the night. Just because the other guy doesn’t want that doesn’t mean he gets to decide for them both!”

In the backseat, Harry looked from Dean to Sam and back again. “Um… hey guys? Are we still talking about me and Ed?”

“Yes!” Dean roared.

“No!” Sam growled.

Harry swallowed nervously. Maybe he should have just called a cab. 

The car was filled with tension and neither Sam nor Dean could look in the other’s direction. Dean rolled his head, getting the kinks out of his neck, as he tried to rein back his anger. In the passenger seat, Sam worked to get himself under control, too. Once he did, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He didn’t realize he was flexing his left hand over and over, which did not go unnoticed by Dean.

Dean took his hand off the wheel and reached over, threading his fingers through Sam’s. Sam tried to pull his hand away but Dean held on tight. Eventually Sam stopped fighting it and the brothers left their hands tangled together in the middle of the bench seat.

“How are you getting back to Texas, Harry?” Dean asked quietly. “You need me to drop you off at a bus terminal… SeaTac? Just tell me and I’ll do it. Washington is a long way from Texas. I don’t think you should hitch rides.”

Harry met Dean’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “SeaTac. I just want to go home.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I hear ya.” He wondered if he still represented home for Sam. He thought probably not, and the thought killed him.

When Dean pulled the Impala in front of the Departures area at SeaTac, he and Sam both exited the car to bid Harry good-bye.

Dean reached out and shook Harry’s hand. “Good luck, man.” Dean kept a hold of Harry’s hand. “Maybe when you get back home, you can give Ed another chance. You guys have a long history together… that ought to count for something.”

Harry nodded but said nothing as he turned to shake Sam’s hand.

Sam pulled Harry into a quick hug. “I’m sorry Ed hurt you that way.” Sam whispered in Harry’s ear. Sam had no words of wisdom and he wasn’t going to make a plea for Harry to forgive Ed. That was Harry’s choice – and he’d have to make it for himself.

Sam and Dean watched Harry go into the terminal. Without saying anything, they both took their seats in the car as Dean pulled into traffic. Neither brother spoke as the miles passed. When Dean saw a motel sign up ahead, he signaled his exit off the freeway and pulled into the parking lot.

Dean said nothing as he leapt from the car and went in to secure them a room. Sam waited in the car. When Dean came back, he jumped into the driver’s seat and pulled the Impala around back in front of their room. Dean grabbed his duffel and went directly into the room, still saying nothing to Sam.

Sam moved more slowly, trailing behind Dean. Watching the whole thing between Ed and Harry had been tough. And then the barely veiled discussion with Dean… that had been emotionally exhausting. As much as Sam tried to distance himself from Dean… he couldn’t get away from the fact that he still loved him.

That he was still in love with him.

Sam knew that if something happened to Dean, he would crumple and want to die himself. When those two psychos had them tied up and the one was going to cut Dean’s throat, Sam had panicked, screaming out “No!” without even thinking about it. He couldn’t stand to see his brother in danger. He didn’t know if Dean noticed just how Sam had reacted whenever he’d been in danger since their two week separation… but if he had, then he had to realize that no matter what Sam said, he didn’t mean any of it.

Dean was already getting ready for bed when Sam set his duffel on the floor next to his bed. Sam reached in and grabbed his toiletry bag, setting it on his lap as he sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for Dean to finish.

Dean finished a couple of minutes later. As he exited the bathroom, he looked over at Sam. “All yours.” Dean didn’t look at Sam again as he slid in between the sheets on the bed.

Sam puffed out a breath and went into the bathroom. He quickly brushed and flossed his teeth and then turned on water in the sink, which was his normal routine. He liked to wash his face before bed, which included moisturizing his skin afterwards. Tonight though, he had other plans.

Sam pulled out the little bottle of lube he always kept in his bag. He slid down his boxers and then slicked up his fingers. He leaned over the sink, breathing deeply as he began prepping himself. He added more lube as he went to slide a third finger inside himself. He made himself wet – dripping wet – and well-fingered open.

When he was done, he quickly washed his hands and slid the bottle of lube back in his bag and then zipped it shut. Sam sighed softly and then turned and left the bathroom. He looked at Dean. He was already tucked into his bed, lying on his side with his eyes closed.

Sam passed by and slid between the sheets in his own bed. The only light in the room came from the moonlight streaming through the curtains. It reminded Sam of the first night he and Dean had kissed. It had been quiet then, too, with a soft glow from the moon. 

Sam rolled onto his back and slid his hand down into his boxers. He wrapped his fingers around his cock and remembered the first time Dean had wrapped his lips around the head… he remembered the way Dean had teased him with his tongue, looking up and into his eyes as he dragged his tongue through the precome gathered at the tip. 

Sam hitched a breath as he thought about those beautiful green eyes looking up at him with love and want and need. Sam missed that so much. He missed being with Dean so much. Kevin was right – they were still here. Sam couldn’t give Dean everything he wanted or needed. Too much had happened. But there were still some things they could share.

When Sam was fully hard, he slipped out of bed and stood next to Dean’s bed. Sam quickly slid his boxers down and let them fall to the floor. Dean’s eyes flew open when he sensed Sam’s nearness. He turned his head and looked back over his shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Dean asked sleepily.

Sam lifted the sheets and slid in behind Dean. “Everything.” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling him close. Dean gasped when Sam moved his hips forward and began slowly thrusting his cock into the crevice of Dean’s ass.

Dean pushed back into Sam’s motions. “Sammy…” he breathed out. He couldn’t believe Sam was next to him… touching him… hard with need. Dean closed his eyes and gave himself over to Sam’s touch. Sam rolled Dean onto his back, still grinding his hard cock against Dean’s hip. Sam used his hand to gently turn Dean’s head.

Sam leaned close, bringing his lips within millimeters of Dean’s. “Doesn’t change anything, Dean.” he breathed out as he captured Dean’s lips in a heated kiss. 

Sam licked and probed until he gained entrance into Dean’s mouth. He used his tongue to tease Dean, thrusting it in time with the movement of his hips grinding into Dean’s hips. Sam ran his hand down into Dean’s boxers, taking his hardening cock in his hand.

As Sam began stroking slowly, Dean moaned deep in his throat, grabbing at Sam’s shoulders and trying to pull him closer. Sam let Dean do as he wished as he continued his stroking and grinding. Dean was fully hard and he began thrusting up into Sam’s fist as he continued to stroke him. Sam knew Dean was ready, so he rolled on top of him, straddling him and rocking their hips together.

Dean reached up and pulled Sam’s face down for a passionate kiss. “Need you inside me, Sammy…” Dean whispered frantically as he reached down to wrap his hand around Sam’s hard cock. _Need you home_ is what Dean was thinking… he needed Sam home, deep inside him.

Sam sat up and looked down at Dean. He reached behind him as he lifted his pelvis. “No.” was all Sam said as he slowly took Dean’s cock inside him. Dean’s eyelids fluttered in response to the tight, wet heat of Sam’s ass enveloping his cock. Sam threw his head back and concentrated on the feeling of Dean’s cock deep inside him.

Dean couldn’t believe Sam had prepped himself for this. He couldn’t believe that Sam had been thinking about this for longer than he’d realized. Dean slid his hands up Sam’s thighs, wrapping his fingers around his hips, helping to guide him as he rode Dean.

“So beautiful, Sammy…” Dean moaned as Sam continued to move sinuously, taking Dean’s cock as deep inside him as he could. Sam, with his eyes still closed and his head thrown back, shook his head no but said nothing as he picked up the pace, slamming himself down on Dean’s cock. 

Dean grabbed Sam’s hands and threaded their fingers together and then used that connection to pull Sam forward so he’d have to look at Dean. Sam wouldn’t open his eyes, he just continued to pant as he rode his brother.

“Look at me, Sammy…” Dean begged. He need to see his eyes.

Sam shook his head no again, riding faster. He wanted Dean to come so this could stop.

So he could stop.

Sam was startled when Dean pushed him to the side and rolled on top of him in one smooth move. Dean thrust his cock into Sam as he claimed his lips. Dean kissed Sam passionately as slowed the pace to long, slow undulations. The way he moved, he knew Sam could feel that he was making love to him. Sam tried turning his head but Dean kept their mouths sealed.

Dean captured Sam’s hands again and brought them up over his head. He broke their kiss and looked at his brother. “Look at me, Sammy.” Dean’s voice was rough with emotion and raw with need. 

“No… I can’t.” Sam whispered. “Please don’t make me…”

“I love you, Sammy…” Dean moaned as he slid himself deep inside Sam again and again. “I love you and I need you… and I know you feel the same way… just please… let me see…”

Sam opened his eyes, which were swimming in tears. For just a moment, he let down the wall and showed Dean that nothing had changed… the Sam Dean loved with every fiber of his being was still there. And then, just as quickly, the wall went back up. 

Sam freed his hand and reached down. He began stroking himself roughly, almost brutally, until he felt his orgasm _right there_. Sam yelled out as he let go, his cock pulsing as his orgasm ripped through him. When Dean felt Sam’s orgasm from deep inside him, and as the hot splashes of Sam’s come hit his stomach, he came, too, filling Sam up with his seed.

Dean collapsed on top of Sam, catching his breath. Sam ran his hands up Dean’s back in a soft caress. He turned his head and gently kissed Dean’s neck, inhaling his just-fucked musk one last, bittersweet time. 

“One last time together, Dean… I can’t give you any more than that.” Sam whispered as he rolled Dean to the side and left the bed.

Dean was filled with dismay. “Sammy… please… you don’t have to do this… we’re still here… we can fix this…”

Sam walked into the bathroom without acknowledging Dean. Moments later, Dean heard Sam turn on the shower. 

Sam was washing him away. 

Dean draped his forearm over his eyes and let the tears come. There was no point in fighting them anymore.

Just feet away, Sam vigorously washed himself… especially _down there_. He wouldn’t let himself feel anything. Not yet. When he did, though… he knew his pain and his longing and his need would likely destroy him.

Sam closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the tile of the shower. Every single day, he wished Dean had just let him go. At some point Dean would have to let him go… because deep down, Sam knew he would never be able to let Dean go.

Never.


	17. Bladerunners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts

Crowley disappeared with the First Blade, leaving Sam and Dean next to the demon-keyed Impala. Dean squatted down next to the car and continued to rub his fingers over the key damage across the driver’s side while Sam watched.

“You ok?” Sam asked softly.

Dean looked up at his brother. “I’m pissed about this keying damage. Fucking Abaddon, man… I can’t wait to gut that bitch.” Dean growled.

Sam looked down at Dean. He was worried about his brother… the way he’d held that blade in his hand, his arm shaking and his gaze intense and focused… but not _present_. Like the blade had taken him over. Sam had called out to Dean, telling him to put the blade down. He didn’t listen at first, but when his eyes met Sam’s, it was like something inside Dean released and he was able to let go.

“Dean…” Dean looked back up at Sam. He brushed his fingers on his jeans and stood, facing Sam.

“What?”

“The Mark, Dean… I’m worried.” Sam said. “It’s doing something to you.”

Dean scuffed his boot in the dirt, fixing his eyes on the little most of dust he’d kicked up. “Don’t worry about me. I can handle it.”

Sam reached out to put his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Before he could, Dean spun away. “It didn’t change anything, Sam.” Dean said roughly, referring to the night they’d been together. “No need to pretend it did.”

Dean wrenched open the driver’s side door. “Let’s go.” Dean bit out as he slid into the car.

Sam sighed as he walked to the passenger side of the car. He deserved that shot. He knew he did. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Sam sat without moving in the passenger seat for miles. There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn’t bring himself to break the heavy silence in the car. They rode without talking for 200 miles. It was dark out and it had been a long day.

When Dean saw a motel vacancy light up ahead, he decided to pull off. Once the room was secured and the car was parked, Dean grabbed his duffel and strode to the door of the motel room. He unlocked it and went in without checking to see if Sam followed.

Sam watched Dean’s movements, still worried about the effects of the Mark. Dean was more and more on edge. He needed to help Dean but he didn’t know how. Sam sighed as he grabbed his duffel and followed his brother into the room.

An hour later, Sam folded down the screen of his laptop, shutting it down. Dean was already tucked into his bed, although Sam could tell he wasn’t sleeping. Sam stood and stretched, looking over at Dean. His urge to comfort his brother was overwhelming. Instead of going directly to him, Sam grabbed his toiletry bag and went to get ready for bed.

Ten minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom. He looked down at Dean. His brother’s eyes were closed and he was breathing steadily. Still not asleep, clearly. Sam went to his bed and looked down at it. There was no point in getting into it. He knew he’d be going to Dean’s bed anyway.

Sam turned and went back to Dean’s bed. He knelt down on the side Dean faced. Dean’s eyes flew open and unerringly met Sam’s. “Don’t, Sam.”

Sam just stared at Dean. He reached out and traced Dean’s features with his finger as he had done so many times over the years as they’d been making love. When Sam dragged his thumb across Dean’s lips, he licked his own and whispered, “Dean… please…”

Dean closed his eyes, hating his weakness when it came to Sam. Dean rolled onto his back, making room for Sam. Sam crawled in, reaching for Dean, holding him close. He used his hand to turn Dean’s face toward him. “This doesn’t change anything, Sammy…” Dean whispered, his eyes begging Sam to tell him differently.

Sam leaned in, kissing Dean deeply as he ran his hand down over Dean’s stomach and into his boxers. He began stroking Dean to hardness, moaning as he felt Dean respond to him. Sam’s strokes were firm and he twisted and tugged just the way he knew Dean loved. Dean broke their kiss to moan loudly as Sam’s thumb swirled through the precome at the tip of his cock.

Sam pulled Dean toward him, rolling him on his side. He kissed him passionately as he continued to stroke his cock. When he could sense that Dean was fully committed to continuing, Sam flipped over on his side, facing away from Dean. He quickly reached down and aligned himself with Dean’s cock, slowly rubbing the head over his entrance, which was open and wet and waiting for Dean.

Sam pressed back to ensure the alignment was good and then he pulled Dean’s arm around him. “Need you inside me.” Sam whispered.

Dean reached down and grabbed Sam’s hip, ruthlessly driving his cock into him until he couldn’t go any further. Dean didn’t wait to make sure Sam was ready, he began thrusting his cock into his brother over and over as Sam pushed back, meeting his thrusts.

Dean reached up and wrapped his hand around Sam’s throat, pulling his head back without cutting off his air supply. “You think I don’t know what you’re doing?” Dean panted in Sam’s ear. “You think that by giving me what you think I need… that somehow absolves you of breaking my fucking heart, Sammy?”

Dean’s hips continued to piston, pounding his cock into Sam over and over. Sam closed his eyes and reached down to grab Dean’s flank, keeping him closer and pulling him in as deep as he could go, again and again. Sam would give this to Dean. He’d give him everything he could… but not everything he wanted or needed.

“Not gonna answer me, huh?” Dean said as he bit into Sam’s shoulder, causing Sam to shudder and moan. “I’m not stupid, Sammy.” Dean panted hotly against Sam’s ear. “And this doesn’t erase how you’ve made me feel.” Sam closed his eyes, which didn’t stop his tears from falling at all.

When Dean felt Sam’s sobs, he slowed his thrusts. He was ashamed of his behavior. He wrapped his arms around Sam and pulled him close, kissing his neck softly. “I’m sorry, Sammy… so fucking sorry for everything.” Sam reached up and threaded his fingers through Dean’s. “I don’t want to hurt you… I just want to love you… and I don’t understand why you won’t let me…”

Dean released one of Sam’s hands and ran it down over his stomach. Sam’s cock was soft, even though Dean was still thrusting into him. Dean began stroking it as he whispered in Sam’s ear. “I love you, Sammy… I’ve always loved you… I’m always gonna love you… just be with me for a little bit, please…”

“Dean…” Sam’s voice shook with emotion. His brother’s name was all he could say. Dean slowly withdrew from Sam and moved to the side, rolling Sam onto his back. Dean leaned up on his elbow and looked down at his little brother.

“Sammy…” Dean whispered. “I need you… I need to be with you the way we used to. If it’s just once… I’ll always want more… but if it’s just once, I’m ok with that.”

Sam looked up into Dean’s eyes. He didn’t trust his voice so he raised his hand and softly caressed Dean’s cheek. He smiled softly and nodded, pulling Dean’s face down for a passionate kiss. Dean made needy noises deep in his throat as Sam pulled him on top of him. Sam spread his legs and showed Dean what he wanted.

Dean slid himself all the way inside Sam. He began to move slowly, cherishing Sam’s soft touches and gentle caresses. He moaned into Sam’s mouth as Sam kissed him with abandon, making his own needy noises. They moved together.

They made love, like they had hundreds of times over the years. Dean thought it was glorious and he had to keep reminding himself that it was just this one time. Each time he thought about the situation, he wanted to cry. But he wouldn’t because right now – in this moment – it was like it used to be between he and Sam.

As Sam’s come covered Dean’s hand, Sam moaned his brother’s name… “Fuck… Dean…” Sam sighed into Dean’s mouth. A few more snaps of Dean’s hips and he was coming inside of Sam, deep and hot and wet… filling his brother with his seed.

“I love you, Sammy…” Dean said as he collapsed on Sam, breathing heavily from emotion and effort. Sam wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him close.

_I love you, Dean._

Sam said it over and over in his head, but he couldn’t get the words out, no matter how much he wanted to. When Dean fell asleep, Sam gently rolled him on his side. Dean stirred so Sam stroked his hand up and down his back until he was fully asleep once again.

Sam slowly extracted himself from Dean’s embrace. When he was free, he rose and stood next to the bed looking down at his brother. His eyes took in the beauty of his face, the definition of his muscles… and the Mark of Cain. Sam frowned as his worry came flooding back.

Sam sighed softly and turned away, retreating to his bed. Being intimate with Dean had only made things tougher on him… and he imagined it had made things tougher for Dean, too. Maybe he’d been wrong to try to change their relationship… it clearly had only made them both miserable.

On the other hand, whenever Sam thought about Kevin’s eyes being burnt out of his head and his mother taking home a ghost, Sam renewed his resolve to stop the madness.

No matter how much it broke his heart.


	18. Mother's Little Helpers (Intermission)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This scene occurs within the episode. It contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts.

Dean sat in the main room of the bunker, listening to Sam take off on a hunt. He wanted to go with him. Sam had been surprised when he didn’t. He knew he should go just in case Sam needed his help. But Dean needed a break… he needed some time to deal with the Mark of Cain. He needed some time away from Sam.

The Sam who had told him that he wouldn’t save him if he were dying. The Sam who came to him in the darkness of night, begging for his touch and letting Dean lose himself in him. The Sam Dean had loved from the moment he came home from the hospital. The same Sam with whom he’d been in love for over a decade.

Sometimes, in the daylight, he’d catch Sam looking at him. And there would be moments when Dean could plainly see how Sam ached for him. And then Sam would shut down again and Dean’s playbook would have to reconfigure itself.

Dean reached into his jacket and pulled out a bottle of bourbon. He took a long pull, directly from the bottle and wiped his lips with the back of his hand. He closed his eyes and thought about the night before. He’d been lying in bed, listening to some Air Supply – a guilty pleasure that shouldn’t be judged – when he felt his cell phone vibrate. 

Without looking, he already knew it was Sam. Ever since their last night together, traveling back to the bunker from Washington state, Sam would text him, asking Dean to meet him in one of the vacant bedrooms down the hall.

Dean had no pride when it came to Sam, so he’d immediately go to whichever room Sam had chosen for their tryst. As soon as Dean passed through the door, Sam would grab him and press him up against the wall. He’d capture Dean’s lips in a deep and passionate kiss, grinding their hips together to show Dean he was already hard.

Dean would then push Sam away from him and hiss. “This doesn’t change anything, Sam.” 

Sam would just look at him with wide eyes and nod. “I know.” he’d gasp as Dean would push him back on the bed. 

Dean would then make love to Sam… long, slow kisses filled with want and need and Sam would arch up into Dean’s touch, begging him for more with his kisses, his touch and his breathy moans. Dean would take his time, making sure that Sam was kept on the edge of his orgasm for as long as he could take it.

Sometimes Dean would suck Sam’s cock down into his throat, his head bobbing and his hand stroking in time… Sam would shout out Dean’s name as he came, his hot come pulsing down the back of Dean’s throat. 

Dean would swallow every last drop down, loving the taste of his brother.

Other times, Dean would roll Sam over on his stomach and then kiss his way down Sam’s spine until he could settle between his legs… and then he’d eat Sam open. He’d lick and suck and moan as Sam would push back against his tongue. Sam would writhe and beg and whisper nonsense that sometimes sounded like “I love you, Dean.” and Dean would smile as he’d slide his tongue into Sam.

Dean always took his time prepping Sam, using lots of lube, teasing him with his fingers… fucking him slowly with his fingers. He’d unerringly find Sam’s prostate and he’d use his fingers to massage it, driving Sam wild.

Every once in a while, he’d take Sam from behind, fucking his cock deep inside Sam as he’d pant heavily next to his ear… talking about dirty things he thought of doing to Sam… or about how much he loved Sam… no matter which topic Dean picked, Sam would always push back, trying to fuck himself on Dean’s cock, his moans desperate.

Other times, Sam would straddle him and he’d ride Dean for all he was worth. Dean would look up at Sam and love the abandon with which he impaled himself on Dean’s cock over and over. Sometimes Sam would stroke himself and then paint Dean with his come… drawing his fingers through it and then painting Dean’s lips with it, only to lick it off and then feed it to Dean with his tongue. Every time Sam did that, Dean would let his orgasm rip through him as Sam’s tongue plunged into his mouth as though he were devouring him.

Dean’s favorite times were the ones where he’d turn Sam over onto his back and then gently push himself deep inside his brother, making a slow, sweet love to him. Sam’s eyes would always fill with tears as he gave himself over to Dean completely.

Dean tried to get Sam to stay with him when they were done, but Sam would always just kiss him softly and then bid him good night, leaving Dean feeling empty and alone. It was a feeling that would last all through the rest of the night.

During the day, they worked together and everything was as Sam had said he’d wanted it.

But last night had been different. Last night, he’d gone to the room where Sam waited for him. Sam was already in bed, naked, and like usual, he was hard… but his eyes were soft. Dean paused at the doorway and looked at his brother.

“Sam?” Dean asked quietly.

“Come here, Dean.” Sam said, his voice low and tinged with need.

Dean slowly walked to the bed and looked down at Sam, waiting for Sam’s instructions.

“Will you take off your clothes and be with me?” Sam asked as he looked up at Dean.

Dean took off his clothes using a steady pace. When he was naked, Sam lifted the covers and made room for him in the bed. As soon as Dean slid in, Sam wound his arms around him and pulled him close, just holding him. Dean closed his eyes and breathed Sam’s scent in. It had been so long since Sam had held him close like this. He felt some of the tension and his heightened anger drain from him as Sam slowly ran his hands up and down Dean’s body.

Minutes later, Sam gently rolled Dean onto his back. Sam looked down at Dean, letting his eyes travel over the dips, curves and planes of his brother’s face. Sam gently laid his hand on Dean’s face, using his thumb to caress Dean’s cheek. Dean leaned into the touch, loving the way Sam was treating him. Sam leaned down and began kissing Dean, slowly at first and then increasing the passion little by little until they were writhing against one another and panting as they tried to catch their breath.

Sam reached over and grabbed the lube. When he lubed up his own fingers, Dean thought Sam was going to prep himself. Instead, Sam reached down and touched his fingers to Dean’s entrance. Sam looked deep into Dean’s eyes.

“Can I…?”

Dean just nodded, fighting back his tears. It had been so fucking long since Sam had been inside him. Dean wondered if this meant Sam was finally coming home to him. Sam kissed Dean softly as he slid his first finger inside him, working him open. Dean moaned and encouraged Sam… he didn’t want to lose this moment.

When Sam slid a second finger inside Dean, Dean began moving his hips, helping Sam open him up. Dean moaned and made little needy noises as Sam worked his magic with his fingers. When Sam added a third finger, Dean spread his legs wider and let his noises get louder, showing Sam how much he’d needed this.

When Dean was ready, he told Sam… begged him, really. “Please, Sammy… need you…”

Sam rolled over onto Dean. He positioned himself at Dean’s entrance and looked into his eyes. “I’m still hurt, Dean.” Sam whispered. “And I stand by what I said.” Sam began pressing himself into Dean, slowly pumping deeper and deeper. 

Dean moaned when Sam was buried to the hilt. “Look at me, Dean.” Sam whispered.

Dean looked up into Sam’s eyes. “This doesn’t change anything…” Sam said quietly. “But one thing has always been true: I love you.” Sam thrust once into Dean. “I’ve always loved you, Dean.”

Dean wrapped his arms and legs around Sam and Sam made love to him, gently touching him and kissing him… stroking him. They moved together for a long time, neither wanting their time together to end. Eventually though, they needed release. They moved together, picking up the pace, the thrusts harder, more desperate. For the first time in a long while, they came together. 

And Sam didn’t leave right away. He languidly kissed Dean for a while, touching him softly and with reverence. Dean fought off his tears… in so many ways, he felt like he’d had his Sammy back… if just for a while. And it had been amazing.

When Sam got up to leave, he kissed Dean one last time. “I don’t know if I can do this again… but don’t forget it, ok?”

Dean had looked up into his brother’s eyes, wanting so much more than Sam was willing to give him – but he knew he couldn’t ask for it because it only meant something if Sam chose to give it to him. “Ok, Sammy. I loved being with you like this.”

Sam smiled sadly at Dean. “I know.”

Sam turned to go. “I love _you_ , Sammy.”

Sam paused but didn’t look back. “I know that, too, Dean.”

Dean didn’t sleep for the rest of the night, too conflicted to get any actual rest. And then, he’d sent Sam off on his own so he could think without distraction. Absently, Dean rubbed his forearm where the Mark of Cain was now etched into his skin.

Apart from the craziness with Sam, Dean was most worried about what the Mark was doing to him. He could feel it, taking hold of him, working on his emotions. The one thing that could make it better was Sam. Or so it seemed. He was now about to put that to the test with Sam’s absence. 

A couple of days without Sam would give Dean the data points he needed in order to understand if Sam was the solution or if he merely had a placebo effect.

The answer would be clear soon.


	19. Mother's Little Helpers (Postlude)

When Sam got back from Illinois, he found Dean in the main room of the bunker. He looked Dean over, searching for a sign that the Mark of Cain had changed him in some way. He didn’t see anything other his brother sitting there, almost as he’d left him. 

Sam had grabbed a couple of beers from the kitchen. He put one down in front of Dean, swapping it for a few of the file folders in front of him as he went to the next table.

“You were right.” Sam said after sitting down and taking a sip of his beer.

“About what?” Dean asked as he looked over at Sam quizzically.

“Finding Abaddon ASAP.” Sam said, his voice quivering with emotion. “She’s mining souls.” Sam was still reeling from the shock of it all – their grandfather, how Josie came to be possessed… it was almost too much for him to deal with.

Dean leaned back in surprise, considering the ramifications of what Sam had just said. “Why?”

Sam looked over at Dean, his expression serious. “To create an army.”

Dean blinked rapidly as he processed the information. It was too horrible to contemplate. Sam looked back down at the file folder and tried to figure out where Abaddon might be hiding. They had to stop this.

Sam looked over at Dean. “How are you feeling?”

Dean gave Sam his best smile. “I feel great. Never better.” Dean was on edge. The Mark of Cain was aching and he hated the way it made him feel… it was like walking on finely ground glass – uncomfortable, occasionally painful… and always an irritation.

Dean wasn’t ok. Not at all.

Sam looked down at the file folders in front of him. Dean was downplaying the effects of the Mark. Sam puffed out a breath and pushed himself back from the table. He rose and walked over to Dean, standing behind him.

Dean waited to see what Sam was going to do. It had been a long, long time since Sam had touched him in the daylight. Would he now?

Dean closed his eyes and let out a controlled breath. When Sam laid his hands on Dean’s shoulders and began massaging his trapezius muscles, digging his thumbs into the tight spots, Dean felt himself relax. No placebo effect then… Sam’s touch actually reduced the hold the Mark had on him. 

Dean let his head fall forward and Sam massaged up Dean’s neck and onto his scalp. Sam used his fingernails to scratch Dean’s scalp, causing his brother to groan in delight. 

Sam had closed his eyes, too, concentrating on the feeling of Dean’s skin under his fingers. He loved touching Dean so much. He just plain loved Dean… with all of his heart… all of his soul. It was so hard to keep a wall up between them. Now, he knew he had to let the wall down a little – he could tell how his touch affected Dean… bringing him a little peace against the force of the Mark.

Dean probably thought Sam didn’t see how it was affecting him. But Sam knew. Of course he knew. He knew Dean better than Dean knew himself. If touching Dean like this could bring him a few moments of peace from whatever the Mark was doing to him, Sam knew it was important for him to do it.

After several minutes, Sam gave Dean’s shoulders a firm squeeze and a light pat before he moved back to his seat. He said nothing. He was afraid if he opened his mouth, he’d tell Dean how scared he was about the Mark of Cain and what it might mean down the line. He was afraid that he might tell Dean how much the First Blade – and him having it in his hand again – terrified him. So, it was better he said nothing.

Dean leaned back and stretched. He felt better than he had since Sam had left. “Thanks, Sammy.” Dean said quietly from his seat.

Sam looked over at Dean. Dean’s gaze was fixed on the files in front of him. Sam was relieved. It was safer for him if Dean’s eyes weren’t penetrating his. “’Course, Dean. You should take a break… maybe get something to eat.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah… I will.”

Sam looked back down at his own files. It was hard for him to concentrate with Dean so close. He thought about potentially moving the research to his bedroom, but then Dean stood up and spoke. “Gonna make some dinner.”

Sam nodded but didn’t look at Dean. As Dean passed by Sam, he reached out his hand and let it trail across Sam’s upper back. An innocent touch that made Sam suck in his breath as his nerves stirred to life, tingling along the path Dean’s fingers had left.

Sam closed his eyes and sighed. He knew tonight, like so many others recently, he’d ask Dean to meet him in a vacant bedroom. 

Sam hated his weakness when it came to Dean. And on the other hand, he loved it. It had always been that way for him and he suspected it always would be.

Sam could say whatever he wanted to out loud, but down deep, he knew he’d always be passionately, irreversibly and completely in love with Dean.


	20. Meta Fiction (Intermission)

Dean had bound Gadreel to a chair and had sent Sam away. He couldn’t risk Sam losing control with the angel who had possessed him. Dean was trying to get information about Metatron out of Gadreel. 

“The two of you against the world. Is that right?” Gadreel goaded Dean, attempting to make a mockery of the love Dean and Sam had always shared.

“Damn straight.” Dean responded, hiding his doubt. He didn’t know if it was still them against the world. Maybe it was – Sam was still at his side… he hadn’t left Dean… they still made love in the darkness of night… but their love was no longer a part of their daytime lives. 

And Sam had said that things had changed for him. It didn’t matter though. Not really. Dean could love enough for both of them.

“You really think Sam would do anything for you?” Gadreel scoffed, his demeanor indicating that there was no way Sam would do _anything_ for Dean.

Dean fixed Gadreel with a steely glare. “Oh, I know he would.” At least he had. So many times in the past. And Dean had never forgotten the things Sam had done for him. Nor would he, no matter what happened in the future.

Gadreel looked up at Dean, narrowing his eyes. “I’ve been in your brother’s body, Dean. He would not trade his life for yours.”

Dean told himself not to listen to Gadreel. Sam had traded his life for his when he took Lucifer into the pit. And he’d tried repeatedly when Dean had gone to hell. It wasn’t Sam’s fault that no one would deal.

Dean steeled himself for the conversation he and this dick of an angel were about to have. “Well, thanks for the rerun pal, but Sam’s already told me all that crap. Hell, he’s told me worse.” Dean’s point to Gadreel was that he and Sam didn’t have any secrets. Sam had told Dean the truth – his truth – and while it had hurt, at least he’d been honest.

Gadreel was surprised at Dean’s lack of reaction to his statement, so he pulled some half-truths together and embellished the rest. “He’s told you that he has always felt that way, and that he thinks you’re just a scared little boy who’s afraid to be on his own because daddy never loved him enough?”

Dean smirked and chuckled to hide his pain. Gadreel was good at being cruel. Dean knew damn well that Sam didn’t think he was scared to be alone. He knew that Sam was afraid that their love and obsession with staying together would hurt others. He also knew that Sam always thought John had loved him more. But Gadreel couldn’t possibly know everything the brothers had talked about over the years.

“And he’s right,” Gadreel continued. “Isn’t he. Right to think that you are a coward… a sad, clingy, needy…”

Dean’s right hook connected with Gadreel’s jaw.

“Keep it up!” Dean yelled. Sam didn’t really think that he was sad, clingy and needy did he? No – that couldn’t be true. Sam was the one who texted him in the night… Sam needed him just as much. Dean tried to regain some control over his response to Gadreel’s taunting… but the Mark… it _wanted_ to fight. He wanted to feel the hard smack of his fist against Gadreel’s flesh.

Gadreel brought his head around. “… pathetic, bottom feeder who cannot even take care of himself; who would rather drag everyone through the mud than be alone. Who would let everyone around him die…!”

That last part hit a little too close to home. It was a little too much like what Sam had said to him in the kitchen of the bunker. Dean knew he had to keep some semblance of control if he were going to get the information he needed.

Dean turned and left Gadreel chained up. He walked away – but not before almost taking the bait and running Gadreel through with the angel blade.

Dean leaned up against a wall in the structure they were currently occupying. He pulled out his phone and scrolled to Sam’s number. He initiated the call.

“Hey.” Sam said. “Everything ok?”

Dean was still breathing a bit hard. “Uh… yeah… just needed to hear your voice for a minute. Gadreel got me pretty riled up.”

Sam stopped walking. “You didn’t kill him, did you?” Cas looked over at Sam. “Dean” Sam mouthed at him. Cas nodded and watched as Sam responded to Dean.

Dean sighed. “No, man… but I wanted to… almost ran him through with an angel blade.”

Sam rubbed the bridge of his nose using his thumb and index finger. He puffed out a sigh. He wished he were there with Dean to help keep him calm. “Sorry I’m not there, man.” Sam said softly.

Dean ran a hand down his face. He could hear the concern in Sam’s voice. No matter what Gadreel said… Sam was there for him.

“It’s ok, Sammy… I’ll be ok.” Dean said, his voice low and tinged with anguish. Fighting the fury that came with the Mark was getting harder and harder.

“Listen… if you try to interrogate him again, make sure you don’t bring any weapons, ok? We need him alive. You said it yourself.” Sam used his “in charge” voice, trying to instill some confidence in Dean.

“Yeah… I hear ya.” Dean pushed himself off the wall. “I’m gonna try again. Thanks for talking me off the edge of the cliff, Sammy.”

Sam closed his eyes. Dean had fallen right back into the habit of calling him “Sammy”. Every time he did it, Sam’s heart did a little flip. “I’ll be back there soon, ok?” Sam’s voice was soft and full of worry.

Dean nodded. “Ok… see you then.” Dean ended the call. 

He looked down at his phone, thinking about Sam. He opened his Text Messages. There at the top were the texts from Sam.

_Second bedroom on the left_

_First bedroom to the right of yours_

_Bedroom to the left of mine_

_Bedroom next to the one we used to use_

Dean scrolled back to earlier texts. Texts from before Sam knew Dean had tricked him… back when Kevin was still alive.

_Your ass looks awesome in those jeans! >:-]_

_Love you so much!!! Out making a food run while you sleep._

_Miss your arms around me… be back in the room soon. Make out session?_

_I love you, Dean. Don’t forget that, ok? _

Dean had to believe that love was still there. With thoughts of Sam swirling through his head, Dean went back into the room with Gadreel.

“Back for more, huh?” Gadreel smirked at him. “Maybe this time I can tell you about how Sam really feels about having a sexual relationship with you.”

Despite his intentions of being cool and calm, as anger overtook him, Dean roared in fury. There was no way he would let this fucking angel turn the love he and Sam had shared for so long into something dirty… something spoiled by his lies and attempts at cruelty. Dean ran at Gadreel, pushing him and the chair over. As Gadreel’s head bounced off the concrete, the angel laughed.

“Sam feels dirty when you touch his…” Dean punched Gadreel in the mouth, causing him to bite his tongue. Gadreel smiled up at Dean and spit his bloody saliva on the floor. 

“Sam hates it when you give him…” Dean punched Gadreel in the gut, knocking the breath right out of him.

“You shut up you motherfucker!” Dean screamed at him. “I’m gonna beat your ass within an inch of your pathetic, worthless life. You mark my words.”

Gadreel laughed and then coughed up a bit of blood. “Go ahead… doesn’t change the fact that Sam finds sex with you repuls…” Dean’s fist connected once again with Gadreel’s jaw, preventing the angel from spewing forth his filth.

“I’m gonna rip your fucking lungs out, you piece of shit!” Dean roared.

Dean punched and kicked and tossed the angel around. He continued punching and kicking even after Gadreel had lost consciousness, still chained to the overturned chair. Finally, as exhaustion overtook him, Dean fell against a wall. When his knees gave out, he slid to the ground, staring straight ahead.

He didn’t move for a long time. In fact, he was still sitting like that when Sam came back and found him.


	21. Meta Fiction (Postlude)

Sam looked over at Dean as they sped down the road. Cas’ directive to Sam about watching over Dean kept running through his thoughts. He’d noticed changes in Dean. Of course he had. He knew Dean better than he knew himself. 

He could see the changes in his demeanor, the increased drinking; the anger, which was quicker to rise to the surface – surprising even Sam, who had always considered Dean to have a hair trigger. Sam had been concerned about Dean for a while, and was even more concerned now. 

Sam imagined that he now felt the way Dean did when Sam was experiencing physical changes during the trials. When Sam remembered how that ended, his gut twisted in a knot as he wondered if the Mark of Cain would kill Dean the way the trials had almost killed him.

It was a thought Sam didn’t wish to dwell on because he knew that he wouldn’t survive Dean’s death, if that was where they were heading.

Sam stole a quick look at his brother. Dean’s jaw was tense and his fingers were wrapped tightly around the steering wheel. Sam closed his eyes, drawing in a deep breath. As he opened his eyes, he slowly slid his hand toward Dean.

Dean shot a quick look at Sam’s hand and immediately reached over and took his brother’s hand in his own. He was thankful that Sam knew what he needed most: his brother’s touch. Dean carefully threaded his fingers through Sam’s and held on tight.

Through their entangled hands, Sam felt the tension drain from Dean’s body. Sam moved to disengage their hands, causing Dean to look at him with unhidden dismay.

Sam squeezed Dean’s hand gently, giving him a reassuring smile. “Just gonna lie down, if that’s ok?”

Dean let out the breath he was holding and smiled as he patted his lap. “C’mon over, Sammy.”

Sam smiled and stretched out on the bench seat, nestling his head between Dean’s stomach and the steering wheel. Once Sam was comfortable, Dean reached down and ran his fingers through Sam’s hair. He knew Sam loved when he did that; but even more than that, it brought him peace. And that was something he was in desperate need of right now.

Neither man said anything as the sun dropped behind the mountains and they drove into the night.


	22. Alex Annie Alexis Ann

“Killing things that need killing is kind of our job.” Dean said stoically as a worried Sam looked on. “Last I checked, taking pleasure in that’s not a crime.” Dean held Sam’s gaze, daring him to disagree.

Sam raised his brows and acknowledged that Dean wasn’t wrong. “Right… but…” Sam let his sentence trail off as Jody approached. Their conversation eventually led to Jody revealing that underneath everything, she still carried a tremendous amount of grief.

Dean and Sam had looked at one another quickly and then just as rapidly refocused their attention on Jody.

They understood better than anyone how fucked up grief could make a person. They both knew that, in the throes of grief, things could get twisted. And if you added desperation and love into the mix, that made it all the more complex, leading to terrible decisions that often did more harm than good.

The brothers hugged Jody goodbye, leaving her to sort out what she and Annie would do.

As Dean steered the Impala away from Jody’s cabin, he tried hard not to think about how good it had felt to kill. He hated what the Mark was doing to him; he had no idea how to fight it, though, other than to put his will and determination against the forces raging inside him.

Sam wanted to continue their conversation about Dean’s increasing joy when he was killing things. He knew they had to deal with it; however, as he looked at Dean’s rigid posture and white knuckles, he knew that the discussion would have to wait.

Without asking Sam stretched out on the bench seat, sliding his head onto Dean’s lap. Sam used his thumb to gently stroke Dean’s knee. Miles passed and eventually he felt Dean’s muscles slowly relax. When Dean’s hand finally found its way to Sam’s head and Dean began stroking his fingers through Sam’s hair, Sam let out the deep breath he’d been holding since he’d watched Dean kill the vampire.

Dean sighed as he continued to run his fingers through his brother’s hair. It was clear to him now that the key to beating the Mark was his love for Sam. Sam’s voice, his touch… those things called out to him more strongly than the Mark. Sam could stop him – stop the actions the Mark set into play. The love that saved the world was now Dean’s only solace.

But things weren’t the same between them anymore. 

Sam no longer wanted to be party to the craziness of Dean’s life-long need to place him above all others.

Every day, Dean’s heart broke a little more as Sam maintained the distance between him. Even now, with Sam’s head in his lap, he knew that Sam was only trying to reduce Dean’s volatility; it wasn’t because he needed his brother, too.

What Sam didn’t know was that Dean could fight this on his own. And he would.

“Sam.” Dean said quietly as he withdrew his hand.

“Yeah?” Sam’s voice was soft in the silence of the car.

“You can sit up. I’m good.” Dean said emotionlessly.

Sam closed his eyes against the pain he felt, listening to the flatness of Dean’s words. He’d wanted this. He’d been the one to draw the line. He had no right to feel bad because Dean was on board with his wishes.

“Good.” Sam whispered as he raised himself up into a sitting position, sliding back to the passenger side. Sam cleared his throat a couple of times in an attempt to rid himself of the lump that had formed there as he accepted that he and Dean were different now. 

What was between them was different. Because Sam had thought it needed to be that way for them to be equal partners. Things still weren’t equal and the only thing Sam had accomplished was to put a wedge between him and the one person on the planet who meant more to him than everything and everyone else.

Sam let his head fall back and he closed his eyes, missing the closeness, the love – everything that he and Dean used to share.

Dean cranked up the radio, cleared his mind and pressed the accelerator down as they sped off into the gathering darkness of the night.


	23. Bloodlines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit descriptions of sexual acts.

“Cas has a line on Metatron. This is what we’ve been waiting for. This is our shot, Sam.” Dean said, his voice strong with determination and his eyes flashing with hope.

“You’re going.” Ennis said from where he stood next to the Impala.

Sam looked at the young man who’s lost so much. He felt a kinship with him. “Look, we’ll call some other hunters, some pros, and download them on the monster mob situation. All of it.” Sam assured Ennis.

Ennis walked toward Sam. “Guys, I can do this.”

Sam strode toward him with his hand outstretched as Dean looked on. “Seriously… don’t.” Sam implored. “You get into this too deep, there’s no getting out.” 

Dean watched his brother try to convince Ennis to stop – to not follow his path. Dean shook his head. He didn’t need another reminder that Sam was only with him because Dean had always found a way to keep him at his side.

Sam patted Ennis’ shoulder as he and Dean slipped into the Impala and Dean drove them away from the five monster families of Chicago and a young man with a need for revenge.

Dean’s thoughts were on finding Metatron and finding a way to get the Mark off his arm. He was tired of the daily struggle of keeping his humanity alive and the Mark’s influence in check. It was like a constant itch, though, from which there seemed to be no reprieve.

Unless he was in Sam’s arms. 

That always brought him a level of peace he couldn’t get to on his own. Truth be told, that had always been true. But he wasn’t in Sam’s arms and wouldn’t be any time soon. He’d put some distance back between he and Sam because that in-between state of being together but not was harder on him than fighting the Mark on his own.

Sam’s thoughts were on Ennis. He hoped the man would make the right choice – let the monsters be. Hunting was no life to aspire to. Sam knew that first hand. He stole a quick glance at Dean. Truth be told, he missed his brother. Dean had reestablished the distance Sam had insisted upon when he’d first found out about Gadreel and his possession of Sam’s body.

When Sam was still angry, that distance was what he wanted. Now that his anger had dissipated and as his concern about his brother’s mental state grew day by day, he no longer wanted that distance. He wanted to be closer to Dean because he knew that only he could minimize the effects of the Mark. 

As the late afternoon gave way to dusk, Sam shifted in the passenger seat.

“You wanna grab dinner?” Sam asked over the din of the radio.

Dean reached over to turn down the volume. “I could eat.”

Sam looked at Dean in the soft light of the day’s last rays of sun. Dean was still so incredibly handsome. But the Mark was taking its toil; the slightest hint of dark circles under Dean’s eyes, a tightening in his jaw. Every moment had to be a struggle for his brother.

“Why don’t we find a motel and get take out? I’m exhausted.” Sam suggested, hoping that Dean wouldn’t want to drive through the night. He needed some rest and Sam was going to ensure he got it.

“Sure, Sam. Sounds like a plan.” Dean said nothing further as he began scanning for a motel and a diner. It wasn’t long before he found one right next to the other. Dean pulled the Impala into the parking lot of the motel and switched off the engine. 

“You register and I’ll grab dinner.” Sam said softly as he exited the car. Dean watched his brother’s form as he strode confidently toward the nearby diner. Dean’s eyes traveled Sam’s body from head to toe. He ached for his brother but he didn’t want to lose himself in Sam again. The Mark was doing things to him and he was terrified that the urge to kill would cause him to hurt Sam inadvertently. Dean couldn’t let that happen.

Twenty minutes later, Sam was eating a salad topped with salmon and Dean was tucking into a burger and fries. Neither brother spoke as they ate and the motel room was devoid of noise as they were left to their own thoughts, which had been happening a lot lately.

Sam thought about how to help Dean with his struggles against the Mark while Dean thought about how to avoid hurting Sam because of the Mark. As they finished eating, neither one mentioned his concerns to the other.

Sam got ready for bed first and then settled himself in the bed furthest from the door as he listened to Dean brushing his teeth. Sam flipped on the TV and began surfing through the channels. There wasn’t much, but a local station was playing “Rear Window” with Jimmy Stewart and Grace Kelly. Sam had always been a sucker for Alfred Hitchcock movies so he laid the remote down on the nightstand and waited for Dean to emerge from the bathroom.

Dean finally entered the room and walked toward his bed. In one smooth move, Sam launched himself up and onto his feet to intercept Dean. Dean looked startled and then disgruntled as Sam pulled him into a hug.

“Sam… what are you…” Dean started.

“Shhhh… I just need this, ok?” Sam responded as he held Dean tighter. Finally, Dean wrapped his arms around his brother and hugged him back, letting the calming effects of Sam’s embrace wash over him. He could feel the itchiness of the Mark begin to subside as Sam held him.

“Watch TV with me.” Sam whispered next to Dean’s ear.

Sam stepped back and took Dean’s hand in his and led him to his bed. 

“Rear Window.” Sam said as he got into the bed and moved up to the top, spreading his legs and then patting the mattress between them, indicating that Dean should sit in front of him.

Dean shifted his weight from one foot to the other.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Sam.” Dean said softly, trying like hell to maintain the distance that made it possible for Dean to function without allowing his longing – and his love – for his brother overwhelm him.

Sam leaned forward and grabbed Dean’s hand, pulling him onto the bed and then helping him twist around until he was between Sam’s legs and leaning back against Sam’s chest. In reality, Dean hadn’t put up much resistance to Sam’s machinations. If Sam wanted him near, the masochistic part of Dean would allow himself to give into Sam’s immediate need, despite knowing that emotional pain would soon follow.

Sam wrapped his arms around Dean and held him close to his chest, breathing in the scent that was uniquely Dean. Dean allowed his head to fall back on Sam’s shoulder and he closed his eyes, letting Sam’s body heat and the serenity he found in his brother’s arms wash over him.

When Sam felt Dean’s tension drain away, he allowed himself to relax, too. As Jimmy Stewart continued to spy on a neighbor he was certain was a murderer, Sam let his thoughts wander to better times, earlier days. The times before Jake had killed him at Cold Oak, causing Dean to make a deal to bring him back.

Things had been so simple then. He and Dean had been younger, and so into one another, there was rarely room for anyone – or anything – else. Everything changed with that deal, though. Their obsession with one another, their all-consuming love and devotion to each other was laid bare in the bright, unforgiving light of day.

Through younger eyes, it was incredibly romantic. The intensity of their connection was something so precious, they’d put it above all else. Nearly a decade later, to Sam’s older eyes, from his more mature perspective, he’d realized just how heavy the cost had been to maintain that love. 

He’d told Dean that he wasn’t going to put their love above all else anymore. But, as Dean snoozed on his chest and in his arms, Sam knew that he would protect this man and their love with everything inside him. He would do anything, be anything he had to in order to keep Dean at his side. 

Now, as he watched Dean struggle against the Mark of Cain, Sam often wanted to make things better between them; to truly heal the damage he’d done when he told Dean that he wouldn’t go to extremes to keep them together. Several times, he knew Dean had glimpsed the truth when he was in danger. Sam hadn’t been able to entirely shut down his reaction to a Dean in danger.

Sam sighed and held Dean more tightly against him. No matter how hard he tried to fight it, this was the love of his life he held in his arms. Dean was everything to Sam. 

Sam let his hands travel up and down Dean’s chest and stomach as he gently kissed his neck. Dean made a little sound of pleasure and shifted between Sam’s legs. Just that little bit of movement caused Sam’s cock to grow hard. Sam pushed his hips forward while pulling Dean more tightly against him.

Dean’s hands fell to Sam’s legs and he gripped his brother’s calves as he rolled his hips against Sam’s hardness. Dean rolled his head to the side, baring more of his neck for Sam. Sam used his teeth and his tongue to tease the column of Dean’s throat as he ran one of his hands over Dean’s hardening cock.

Dean moaned as Sam pressed his hand to his cock, slowly stroking it through his jeans. 

“Sammy…” Dean groaned, wanting to ask for so much more, but ready to let Sam take the lead.

Sam slid his right hand down into Dean’s boxers and gripped his cock firmly. He then brought his left hand up and turned Dean’s face to the side so he could kiss him deeply as he stroked him. Sam used his tongue to make the kiss dirty, devouring his brother’s moans and breaths as he stroked him faster, urgently tugging and pulling on Dean’s cock, driving him mad with the sensation of being at Sam’s mercy.

Dean gave himself over to the lust for his brother, thrusting his hips and moaning loudly as Sam did as he wished. Suddenly, Sam flipped Dean over and then stood next to his bed. As Dean watched, Sam shed his clothes quickly before flipping Dean onto his back. 

Sam kissed Dean deeply as he worked his brother’s clothes off. When Dean was naked, Sam ran his hands up and down his torso, his eyes taking in Dean’s angles and edges. Sam’s eyes lingered on the Mark of Cain, stark against the whiteness of Dean’s arm. Dean tried to cover it, ashamed that he’d brought more trouble down on them, but Sam stopped him.

“No, Dean… let me see you.” Sam whispered.

Dean closed his eyes and let Sam look at him. Sam’s eyes traveled up and down as he reached over and opened the nightstand drawer, grabbing the lube he always put there. Sam warmed some in his hand and then wrapped his hand around Dean’s cock, causing Dean’s eyes to fly open in surprise.

Sam slowly stroked Dean’s cock as he continued to look into his brother’s eyes. 

“You’re beautiful, Dean.” Sam said softly. “You’ve always been so fucking beautiful.”

Dean blinked back tears and sighed. “Sammy…”

Sam crawled up and straddled Dean. As Sam held Dean’s gaze, he reached behind him and teased himself with Dean’s lubed cock. Dean watched Sam’s face closely as Sam began to work Dean’s cock inside him. Dean had always loved watching Sam concentrate, which he was doing very intently as he rocked himself onto Dean’s cock again and again.

Once Sam had the head of Dean’s cock inside him, he closed his eyes and sat up straighter so he could raise and lower himself, taking more of Dean inside him each time.

Dean closed his eyes as Sam threaded his fingers through his, holding on as he continued to ride Dean. Sam looked so beautiful with his head thrown back, each stroke causing tiny moans to escape him as he rode Dean, that Dean couldn’t bear the sight any longer. 

On the one hand, just the sight of Sam so lost in the sensation of being filled with Dean’s cock was nearly enough to make Dean come. 

On the other, it hurt Dean to watch his brother riding him, knowing that things were different now. That what they used to share – the crazy, frenetic love driven by need, lust, codependency and desire – was in the past. So with his eyes closed, Dean concentrated on the feeling of Sam taking his cock deep inside of him and he lost himself in that, carefully pushing all other thoughts to the side.

Sam sensed that Dean had closed his eyes so he looked down at his brother, noting the look of pleasure on his face. Sam wanted to tell him he’d lied about the lengths he’d go to for him. He knew he should tell him – to give him some hope as he struggled against the Mark. For Sam, actions had always spoken louder than words, so he lowered his face until he could capture Dean’s lips in a heated kiss.

Sam rode Dean harder as he plundered his brother’s mouth with his tongue. Dean moaned louder and louder as his orgasm rushed toward him. Sam tightened himself around Dean’s cock and babbled nonsensical things, occasionally letting out a little of his truth as his orgasm neared.

“Fuck… Dean… love… you…” Sam gasped without thinking as Dean moaned his name over and over.

“Yeah, Sammy… Sammy…” Dean let out a shout as he came deep inside Sam. He closed his eyes tightly and held on to the fact that Sam had said he loved him. Dean knew it was in the throes of passion, but it didn’t matter. He’d needed to hear it and had every intention of holding it close as he continued to fight the Mark of Cain.

Sam rode Dean through his orgasm, losing himself in his own in the process. His cock twitched again and again as he came onto Dean’s stomach. Dean reached between them, running his hand through his brother’s come, spreading it across his stomach and up onto his chest. 

Sam watched Dean’s hand and shuddered, understanding the need to feel possessed by something other than the Mark.

When it was over, Sam had every intention of keeping Dean with him, but the intensity of everything was too much for Dean and he left the bed quickly to take a shower.

Sam looked at the ceiling as he listened to the water hit the tiles in the bathroom. Things with Dean were so complicated and he wondered if they’d ever figure things out.

In the shower, Dean was wondering the same thing.


	24. King of the Damned

“I didn’t tell you about the warning because I knew exactly what you would do.” Dean said. “You would make sure you were right alongside me going in that room.” Dean avoided looking at Sam and kept his eyes on the road.

Sam looked at his brother incredulously. “You mean like we always do?” Sam let his anger show. “Because we’re actually partners in this and we watch each other’s backs?”

Dean thought briefly about just how far their partnership used to extend. They were closer now than they had been since their commitment to one another in the church, but there was still too much turmoil between them… to many things both said and unsaid. 

“I don’t expect you to understand.” Dean finally said.

“Try me.” Sam insisted emphatically.

Dean looked over at Sam, weighing his options. He knew there were things Sam could intuit about his struggles with the Mark of Cain. But it was something else entirely to open up and tell Sam just how bad it was. Dean took a deep breath and spoke.

“First time I touched that blade, I knew.” Dean paused and then looked at Sam. “I knew that I wouldn’t be stopped.” 

Dean held Sam’s gaze as Sam watched his brother intently, brows furrowed, seeking to understand.

“I knew I would take down Abaddon, and anything else, if I had to.” Dean paused again. “And it wasn’t a hero thing… it was just calm.” Dean shook his head. “I knew… and I had to go it alone, Sammy.”

Dean looked straight ahead, still assessing just how much he should reveal, as Sam looked at his brother with increasing concern as he realized just how dire things were. It hurt him to think that Dean wouldn’t trust him enough to be able to handle the situation.

Sam nodded. “Oh, wow. Of course. So it was just another time when you had to protect me.” 

Sam hated that Dean still didn’t see him as an equal partner. Sam had thought that they were getting somewhere… evolving their relationship to build a stronger base. He should have realized that things would never really change. Not for the long-term, anyway.

“You could have gotten nabbed by Abaddon and she could have bargained her way out.” Dean paused. “We couldn’t afford to screw this up.”

 _If anyone needs a chaperone, it’s Sam_. Sam clenched his jaw in anger at the inference that his presence routinely screwed things up. He was so tired of Dean’s thinly veiled barbs.

Sam shook his head. “Look, I’m glad it worked out, ok? I am. And I’m glad the blade gives you strength or calm or whatever. But Dean, I gotta say, I think the blade is doing something else, too.”

Dean closed his eyes and then looked out the side window. “Yeah, like what?”

Sam shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. Like… something to you.”

Sam shifted in his seat so he was facing Dean. “Look… I’m thinking… until we know for sure that we’re going to kill off Crowley, why don’t we store the blade somewhere distant; lock it up somewhere safe? Ok?”

Dean considered Sam’s words. He wanted to appease Sam but he couldn’t. Neither the Mark nor the blade would let him.

“No.” Dean said definitively, ending the discussion. 

Or, he tried to, at least. 

Sam wasn’t having any of his shit. Sam reached his hand over and ran the backs of his fingers down Dean’s cheek, the stubble rough against his skin.

“Dean… please…” Sam paused as Dean closed his eyes briefly, relishing his brother’s touch. “Please don’t put yourself in this kind of danger. I can see what that thing does to you.”

Dean reached up and gently moved Sam’s hand from his face and then moved it into his lap, holding it tightly. “I know, Sammy. I know.”

Sam looked at his brother’s profile as he continued to drive. Dean wanted to give Sam what he asked, but he just couldn’t. The pull between the Mark and the blade was too strong. The blade sang to him – it was a like siren on the rocky cliffs, attracting sailors to their ultimate demise. Dean was quite certain that his demise is exactly where the blade and Mark were taking him.

Knowing that, ultimately, the Mark would end up killing him, Dean held himself in check. He couldn’t take Sammy down with him, whether that be literally or figuratively.

Sam could feel the walls Dean was putting up; walls that even their history and their long-term relationship couldn’t break. Even though Dean held Sam’s hand in his own, there was no real connection between them.

Not anymore. 

Sam turned his face to the right and looked out into the night, willing away the tears that threatened to flood his eyes. Every day he fought his feelings for Dean. And his feelings about Dean. He missed the relationship they used to share but was tired of Dean not seeing him as an equal… for holding the past against him. For holding his weakest moments against him.

But the longing… the need. It never left. Despite the pain, despite everything… Sam needed Dean more than he needed anything else on earth. Sam leaned his head against the cool glass of the passenger side window and sighed.

Dean looked over at his brother. He knew that Sam had made overtures to regain the closeness they once had. And, after everything since the church, that had to be difficult for him to do. But Dean knew he needed to keep Sam at a safe distance until he understood more about what the Mark was actually doing to him.

“I’m not saying we can’t talk about it again, Sam.” Dean said, revisiting their earlier conversation about storing the blade. 

Sam looked over at his brother and nodded. “Ok, Dean.”

While it was nice that Dean was leaving the door open on the discussion, his acquiescence wasn’t of concern to Sam. He’d never intended to drop the subject in the first place. He’d bring it up again.

Soon.


	25. Stairway to Heaven

“Until I jam that blade into that douchbag’s heart, we are not a team. This is a dictatorship. Now, you don’t have to like it, but that’s how it’s gonna be.” Dean said angrily before turning away from Sam and walking into the main room of the bunker to confront Cas.

“So, batteries.” Dean said as he slung his duffel off his shoulder and took a seat across from Cas.

“I’m fine.” A disheveled and clearly exhausted Cas said from his side of the table.

“No, you’re not.” Dean stated. “How long you got?”

As Dean and Cas chatted, Sam unpacked his duffel in his room. 

_We are not a team_. 

Dean’s hurtful words replayed in his mind, over and over.

Sam couldn’t argue with his assessment. They hadn’t been a team for a long time. If Sam were to be entirely honest with himself, maybe they hadn’t really been a team since… Ruby. When Dean came back and Sam was sneaking around with her. That was the first time they really lied to one another. And they’d been doing it ever since.

Sam sighed and sat on his bed, thinking about all the things he wished he could have done differently.

He could have not gone behind Dean’s back with Ruby.

He could have found another way to get Lucifer back into the pit. Then he wouldn’t have been running around without a soul for a year.

He could have been more forthcoming about his hallucinations after his soul had been restored.

He could have told Dean about what really happened when he was in purgatory.

And he could have told Dean the truth about the lengths he’d go to just to save their love.

He couldn’t fix any of those things, save the last. 

Making a decision that had a real chance of finally fixing everything between them, Sam stood and strode purposefully toward the main room. He was going to tell Dean everything – about how he really felt, about how much he needed him and about how life had no meaning for him without Dean in it.

As Sam entered the main room, he saw Gadreel enter from the side. 

“Guys!” Sam shouted in warning as thoughts of telling Dean the truth evaporated as Sam angrily stared at the angel who had possessed him. The angel Dean had tricked him into accepting.

Sam didn’t know it then, but he wouldn’t be able to tell Dean the truth until his brother was dying in his arms.


	26. Do You Believe in Miracles?

Sam watched in horror and disbelief as Metatron drove the angel blade deep into his brother.

“No!” Sam roared. Dean heard his brother and managed to turn his head to look at him before falling over onto the ground.

Sam ran toward Dean, desperately reaching for him, finally grabbing him and propping him up against the wall. 

“Sammy…” Dean gasped. “You gotta get outta here before he comes back.”

Sam’s hands were running over Dean, looking for injuries, trying to find something he could fix. “Shhhh…” Sam said, trying to comfort Dean as he tried not to lose his mind.

Sam put a cloth over the worst of Dean’s wounds. “Hold it there, press hard. We gotta stop the bleeding until… I can…. We can do a spell, you’re gonna be ok.” Sam said despairingly as Dean grimaced in pain.

“Listen to me.” Dean said weakly. “It’s better this way.”

“What?” Sam asked incredulously.

“The Mark…” Dean continued. “It’s making me into something I don’t wanna be.”

“The Mark? We’ll figure out the Mark later.” Sam said as he worked to get Dean off the floor. “Just hold onto me.”

Sam lifted Dean off the floor and held him up as they began walking as quickly as they could. Sam’s thoughts were running a mile a minute, making plans to undo what Metatron had done. He couldn’t let Dean die. Sam knew with one-hundred percent certainty that he wouldn’t be able to go on without his brother. When he’d disappeared into Purgatory, Sam had lost his mind. Facing life again without Dean at his side, knowing he was dead? Sam knew he wouldn’t last a day.

Dean could feel Sam’s desperation. “What happened to you being ok with this?”

Sam held his brother more tightly against him. “I lied.”

Dean attempted a smirk as he said, “Ain’t that a bitch.”

And it was. Sam was angry with himself for not telling Dean the truth sooner. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have forgotten that they never really had all the time they thought they did? That things could happen so quickly and take everything they had away? Sam wanted to cry at the injustice of it all, but he couldn’t lose focus on getting Dean somewhere he could work a spell or summon Crowley to heal him… anything to keep Dean with him. 

And therein lie the truth: Sam would do anything to keep his brother at his side.

Dean felt his energy waning. He knew his death was close.

“Sam… Sammy…” Dean said as his stumbled. “Hold up.”

Dean sat down on a crate and mustered his remaining energy. “Sammy… I gotta say something.”

Sam’s face was full of emotion as he looked at his dying brother. “What, Dean?”

“I’m proud of us.” Dean gasped as he laid his hand on his brother’s face, patting him one last time as the darkness overtook him. 

Dean pitched forward into Sam’s arms, his body lax and lifeless. “Hey, hey, hey…” Sam said, trying to deny the obvious. He pushed Dean’s body back and took his face in his hands. “Dean… Dean!” Sam roared.

As he realized his brother was gone, Sam gave into the tears and pulled Dean against him, rocking his brother as he tried to comprehend the magnitude of his loss. Sam’s body shook as tears rolled down his face. Despite having been in this situation before, Sam’s heart shattered into a million pieces as he considered that this time it might be for real.

Sam finally pulled himself together and picked up his brother’s lifeless body. He tried to ignore the way his brother’s head bobbed randomly against his arm with every step. He climbed out of the warehouse and carried his brother back to their car – their home. The only one they’d ever really known.

He carefully slid Dean’s body into the back seat of the car.

As Sam regarded his brother’s lifeless form, hot tears of loss and regret once again slid down his face. He had to get Dean back. Things couldn’t end this way – not with them at odds and so much left unsaid.

Sam drove straight back to the bunker, placing Dean’s body on his bed. He went into the main room and poured himself a drink as he contemplated what to do next. Once he felt ready, he went into the bunker’s dungeon and began the ritual of summoning Crowley. He didn’t care what the cost might be: he was getting Dean back and he’s wasn’t above holding Crowley hostage to get what he needed most: Dean.

Sam didn’t know that while he was working his summoning ritual, Crowley was with Dean, giving him the first blade. Sam wasn’t there to see Dean’s eyes flash black as he awoke to a new existence.

When Crowley never showed, a desperate Sam ran back to Dean’s room. If Crowley wasn’t going to come to the rescue, then Sam had to get Dean to Cas to see if the angel could do something to get his brother back at his side. Sam didn’t even care if it took every ounce of remaining grace Cas had to get Dean back where he belonged.

As Sam entered the room, he was brought up short by the sight of an empty bed. Dean was gone.

Sam slowly walked to the bed and looked down at a folded piece of paper lying where his brother’s head had previously been. With a shaking hand, Sam picked up the note. He slowly opened it and looked down at the words written in his brother’s hand.

_Sammy – let me go_

Sam read the words several times before the meaning really sank in. His brother was alive. And, without a word, he’d left. No indication as to where he was going, who he was with or any acknowledgement of their life together.

_Sammy – let me go_

Sam carefully set the note back where Dean left it. He turned and walked back into the main room of the bunker. He poured himself another drink and took a seat at the table. With a flat expression, he thought back over the time between their commitment to one another in the church and the moment Dean died, again, in his arms.

So many things he could have – would have – done differently if only he’d know what was going to happen.

_You knew._

Sam hung his head. Deep down, he had known. It was always the same: one of them would be at risk and the other would be left with hard decisions. 

Sam slammed his drink on the table in anger. He ignored the amber liquid that pooled on the table beneath his glass. How could he have been so stupid?

_Sammy – let me go_

No matter what Dean said, Sam would never, ever let him go.

Sam downed the rest of his drink and stood quickly. He didn’t have time to mope or cry or regret what had happened. 

He had a brother to find.


End file.
